Author: Anne Marsh
Title: How To Succeed in Politics (Without Really Trying)
Notes: I own neither the West Wing nor H2S. Just havin' fun, hope you likee. West Wing characters will be cast as well as I can cast 'em, but some people are just going to get jammed in to weird roles... also, everyone starts out working for Hoynes. Some names remain the same as in H2S, when WW char.s would't fit.
Archive: Yes
Feedback: Please

How To Succeed in Politics (Without Really Trying) by Anne Marsh

Chapter One - How To Apply For A Job

Act One, Scene One;

Exterior of the Capitol Building- JOSH is walking along, backpack over one shoulder, reading a book-- the title: "How To Succeed in Politics Without Really Trying".

BOOK VOICE: Dear Reader, this little book is designed to tell you everything you need to know about the science of getting ahead. Now, let us assume that you are young, healthy, clear-eyed and eager, anxious to rise quickly and easily to the top of your political game. You can!

JOSH: I can!

BOOK VOICE: If you have education and a little intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember that thousands have reached the top without any of these qualities. Just have courage and memorize the simple rules in the chapters that follow. If you truly wish to be among the lucky, golden few, you can!

JOSH: I can!

(music starts)

JOSH: How to apply for a job...
How to advance from internship...
How to sit down at a desk...
How to dictate memorandums...

How to develop political style...
How to commute,
In a three-button suit,
With that phony politico smile...

This book is all that I need,
How to- How to succeed!

(street scene drops away, revealing Hoynes' campaign HQ)

How to observe volunteers...
How to select whom to lunch with...
How to avoid petty friends...
How to begin making contacts...
How to...

BOOK VOICE: How to choose the right campaign. Before applying for a position, make sure you have chosen the right campaign. It is essential that the race be a big one. The campaign itself should be hectic enough so that nobody knows exactly what anyone else is doing. Fixing that comes later.

(Josh stops, watches the campaign HQ)

ED: Say, Larry, I've got a complaint from one of our whistle stops in Cleveland. We can't really lower taxes.

LARRY: I know, Ed, but they wanted a break, and it's just not fiscally doable.

MAN: Not doable? What is this, a hot dog stand?

ED: Look, this is Hoynes headquarters. We're supposed to be the best choice in the upcoming presidential election!

LARRY: Now take it easy, Ed. There was trouble with the polling station-- a breakdown.

ED: Well, get on the ball-- I want to keep Cleveland Hoynes-minded!

LARRY: Will do! Oh, Mr. Matthews-- any news about the breakdown?

MATTHEWS: Oh, I'm feeling much better.

CJ: Say, Toby, did you get my memo?

TOBY: What Memo?

CJ: My memo about memos. We're sending out too many memos, and it's got to stop!

TOBY: All right, I'll send out a memo.

JOSH: The right campaign! (music re-starts) This book is all that I need, How to- How to succeed!

(Josh crossesright. SAM enters left carrying folders. Volunteer and staffers break and exit. HOYNES enters with yes-me. Josh crosses right, bumps into HOYNES, and knocks him down. Yes-men help him up, asking things like 'are you all right')

HOYNES: Never mind, never mind. Back to work, everybody!

(they all scuttle off stage. Sam goes a little more slowly, lingering at the left and listening.)

HOYNES: You heard me, I said back to work!

JOSH: I'm sorry I bumped into you, Sir, but I'd like to apply for a job.

HOYNES: A job? Do you know who I am?

JOSH: No, Sir.

HOYNES: I'm John Hoynes, future President of the United States, that's who I am. In fact, that's who the heck I am! How dare you come ask me for a job?

JOSH: I'm sorry, Sir, but I--

HOYNES: Why do you think I have a personnel man? Why do you think I have a whole doggone personnel department? Son, you bumped into the wrong man. (starts off left blabbering half-swears)

SAM: (crossing right) I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to find a job. I've been through that kind of thing, myself.

JOSH: Thank you, you're very kind. Could you tell me where the personnel office is?

SAM: (amazed) Personnel? Right there.

JOSH: Thank you. (starts off)

SAM: (stopping him) You're not discouraged?

JOSH: Of course not. I'm prepared for exactly this sort of thing.

SAM: Say, my friend Cathy works in Personnel! Maybe she can help you. (starts off) You wait here...

JOSH: (calling after him) Oh, but it's really not--

(he shrugs and starts off, when BRATT enters)

BRATT: Where do you think you're going?

FINCH: To see the personnel manager, Sir.

BRATT: I am the personnel manager, and we're not hiring!

JOSH: Well, I was just speaking to Senator Hoynes...

BRATT Hoynes?

JOSH: Yes, Sir.

BRATT: Senator John Hoynes?

JOSH: Yes, Sir. He told me to see you.

(Josh flashes audience a smile-- we'll see this from time to time whenever he's cleverly manipulated someone.)


Part II

Scene I- Exactly where we left it.

BRATT: Senator John Hoynes himself? You were speaking to him?

JOSH: Yes, Sir. I just bumped into him.

BRATT: Ah, is he a friend of yours?

JOSH: (modest hesitation) Sir, I don't think a man should trade on friendship to get a job.

BRATT: Very well put, young man. Well, if you step into my office, I think we can work something out. My name is Bratt. (extends hand) And you are?

JOSH: (shaking his hand) Joshua Lyman.

BRATT: Well, step into my office

(they go off through door. Sam reenters, tugging CATHY by the hand)

CATHY: Sam, you could've at least let me finish my-- your-- bagel!

SAM: This is important, Cathy. I know you can help him! (looks around, sees that Josh is gone) Where is he?

CATHY: How would I know?

SAM: He must've gone into Mr. Bratt's office. Go on in there. You're Bratt's secretary. He'll listen to you.

CATHY: But why this frantic, urgent urgency?

SAM: Please, Cathy. We've got to help this boy.

CATHY: Why? Wherefore is this creep different from all the other creeps?

SAM: He's not a creep, Cathy! He has a sort of noble courage, yet deep down, I feel that he's also sort of helpless...

CATHY: You're nurturing side is a big drag.

(Bratt exits office laughing at joke, followed by Josh, who has a cigar)

BRATT: Well, that's all settled. (pats Josh on shoulder) Nice to have you aboard, Lyman.

JOSH: Happy to ship out with you, Sir.

CATHY: Who is that?

SAM: That's my helpless friend. Isn't he adora-- I mean, uh... That's the guy.

CATHY: (to self) Adorable? Maybe. Helpless, no.

SAM: (in own world) I just hope he hasn't got a girl...

BRATT: My secretary will take care of the forms and getting your particulars. Oh, Cathy, this is our new Mr. Lyman.

CATHY: Hello, there.

SAM: (quickly steps in front of Cathy) My name is Seaborn. Sam Seaborn.

JOSH: Oh, hello.

SAM: Hi.

BRATT: Mr. Lyman will be starting out going over little legal details. Glad you don't mind that, Lyman.

JOSH: Sir, in the big pond of politics, we all start out as little fish.

CATHY: Even a barracuda.

(Sam and Bratt look at Cathy. AINSLEY enters L, crossing R to exit)

BRATT: Now, Cathy, will you--

(Gatch enters R, addresses AINSLEY)

GATCH: Say, Hayes, have you guys in legal sent out those memos yet?

AINSLEY: I don't know. I'm going to lunch.

GATCH: At eleven? Why?

AINSLEY: I'm starving! Besides, I'm the boss' neice. Are you gonna tell me I can't have a bagel and a Fresca?

BRATT: Oh, Ainsley! (to Josh, as Ainsley approaches) This is Ainsley Hayes, Senator Hoynes' neice. This is Mr. Lyman. He's going to be working with you in legal.

AINSLEY: Hi, Lyman. I'm Ainsley Hayes, Senator Hoynes' neice.

JOSH: (offers hand) How do you do?

(Ainsley ignores hand)

BRATT: (about to leave) Cathy, get Mr. Lyman's particulars.

CATHY: Yes, sir.

BRATT: Lyman, nice to have you on our team (goes to door)

JOSH: Glad to be playin with you, Sir.

(Bratt exits)

AINSLEY: Lyman, are you ambitious?

JOSH: Not necessarily.

AINSLEY: Good. Just keep that in mind. I mean, just remember who I am, and who you are. We should get along fine. If not...

SAM: You'll go crying to your uncle?

AINSLEY: I beg your pardon, Mr. Seaborn. I do not go crying to my uncle. It happens that my mother is Senator Hoynes' sister. If I feel that anything is wrong, I phone my mother. She phones Mrs. Hoynes, and Mrs. Hoynes phones Senator Hoynes. That's the democratic way. (exits)

SAM: Well, Mr. Lyman, I'm sure a man like you doesn't have to worry about a republican in the office. Cathy, you were going to get Mr. Lyman's particulars.

CATHY: Oh, yeah (shoves last bite of stolen breakfast food into mouth). Particulars. Now, Mr. Lyman, the first question;

SAM: Have you got a girlfriend?

JOSH: A girlfriend? No.

SAM: Good. I mean, that's the right answer. I mean, it's very wise not to have a girl...

JOSH: I'm glad you see it that way, Mr. Seaborn. Some people wouldn't. You see, I feel that when a man wants to rise in the world of politics, a girl, or, let's say, an emotional involvement, can only lead to getting involved emotionally.

SAM: That's very intelligent, Mr. Lyman.

CATHY: Yes. Sam, are you through with Mr. Lyman?

SAM: For the moment...

CATHY: Fine. Mr. Lyman, if you'll come with me, we can get this over with.

SAM: Good luck, Mr. Lyman.

JOSH: Thank you, uh, Mr....

SAM: Seaborn. Sam Seaborn.

JOSH: Right. Glad to be aboard. (exits into office)

CATHY: Well, Sam, you see?

SAM: I think he's fascinating...

CATHY: I've seen some ambitious characters around here, but this boy is the eagerest beaver of them all.

SAM: Dupont Circle.


SAM: Or maybe Whitehaven. No...

(music starts)

SAM: Dupont Circle...


SAM: Dupont Circle...

CATHY: What are you talking about?

SAM: Dupont Circle...

CATHY: What about it?

SAM: That's the place where our town house will be, For me and the darling bright young man I've picked out for marrying me.

He'll do well, I can tell, So it isn't a moment too soon To plan on my life in Dupont Circle With my darling polit'cal tycoon.

CATHY: Honey, you'll be in Dupont Circle. Your darling politico will be on Capitol Hill.

SAM: Cathy, I--

CATHY: The future Mrs. Lyman is in for some lonely nights. (exits)

SAM: I'm prepared for exactly that sort of thing.

I'll be so happy to keep his dinner warm,
While he goes onward, and upward.
Happy to keep his dinner warm,
Till he comes wearily home, from the Hill.

I'll be there waiting until his mind is clear,
While he looks through me, right through me.
Waiting to say 'Good evening, dear, I've been subpeonaed,
What's new with you, from the Hill?'

Oh, to be loved
By a man I respect,
To bask in the glow
Of his perfectly understandable neglect.
Oh, to belong in the aura
Of his frown, darling busy frown.

Such heaven, wearing some wifely uniform,
While he goes onward, and upward
Happy to keep his dinner warm,
Till he comes wearily home, from the Hill.



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