Summary: Pisces: Without making light of something that is important in your life, can I suggest that you unclench your buttocks and relax about it all? Go on, you can do it. (Metro, 22/06/04)
Feedback: Please, please, please
Disclaimer: Still not mine
Notes: Thanks to Sue C. for her beta work. There may one day be a sequel to this fic - I'm not sure though. Feel free to let me know whether or not you'd want to read one. Also, sorry about the rubbish summary but I've got a weird horoscope-obsession thing going on at the moment.
Relax by Hannah
"So, I've been thinking..."
Sam looked up from his work, clearly startled to see me in his office doorway.
"Mmm." It suddenly occurred to me that while I had indeed been thinking, my thoughts had never actually gotten as far as working out how to have this conversation. I was going to have to wing this one - something that I feel never bodes well for me.
"Josh, I'm getting older over here." Oh good: Pissy Sam. Just what I needed to make this conversation easier.
"It's about, ah, that thing, y'know?" I crept into his office and closed the door behind me. I pulled a chair across so I could sit next to Sam, before deciding I'd prefer to stand up.
"That thing? The bill you're working on? The speech I'm clearly not going to be writing for the next few minutes? What thing?"
"No, it's... it's not about work, okay? It's about us."
Sam's eyes widened and he pulled his glasses off, focusing all his attention on me. Apparently, my tone wasn't conveying the nervousness and embarrassment that I felt, so much as doom and gloom. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get any words out, I jumped in.
"Not a bad thing about us. A good thing. At least, I think it could be a good thing, you know?"
He smiled indulgently at me. "Josh, I really don't know. You've not actually formed a complete sentence since you walked in. How about you try it, in the interests of maybe ending this conversation before Toby comes storming in, demanding to read this incredibly unfinished draft?"
I gulped. Sam had a point there, and this was very much not a conversation I wanted to share with his boss. I sat down and took a deep breath in an attempt to compose myself.
"I was thinking... about the thing we've been talking about doing. The thing I wasn't ready to do."
A look of comprehension began to dawn on Sam's face. It's a beautiful thing to see. The look, I mean. Well, his face is too, but the look dawning - that's extra special. His eyes widen slightly, kind of like how they do when we're about to kiss; then you can see him relax slightly, as he realizes he doesn't need to try to figure out what's going on any more; finally the corners of his mouth twitch, like he's trying to hold back a smile.
"Just say it, Josh."
"I think I'm ready for it now. For the sex thing. The going-all-the- way thing."
Sam scooted his chair closer to mine and smiled kindly. Kindly. That's not so much the response I was hoping for. Passionate, emotionally-charged, aroused... that kind of thing had been my aim, even if I had borrowed those adjectives from an article in the magazine I'd found lying on Donna's desk that lunch-time.
"Babe, I love you for saying that, and for thinking that..." He paused. There was a but coming - I can smell those things coming from a mile off. Buts. Not butts. This is one of those times where spelling really matters. Because the second one of those words - that would make my statement more than a little disturbing.
"But, I don't think you are ready. Not really." He placed his hand over mine and our fingers interlocked.
"I am," I whined. "I'm totally ready. I mean, not right this second but... tonight, maybe?"
"Josh, you're not ready. You can't even say what it is you want us to do."
"I can." I was offended by that. Okay, it had taken me a while to get to my point, but I'd made it in the end.
"You can't. 'The going-all-the-way thing', isn't that what you said? Tell me, right now, exactly what it is you meant by that." His words may have been lawyery, but Sam's tone was gentle.
"I want... I want you to make love to me, Sam. I want you in me," I whispered.
At my words, Sam lifted up our joined hands and brushed a kiss across my knuckles. He really is a very sweet man.
"And I want that too, Josh, but not until you're absolutely sure about the whole thing. You can't just talk yourself into being ready for something like this. When you can talk about it in a normal voice, and using complete sentences from the beginning of the conversation - that's when I'll be sure you really mean it."
I nodded. I guess he had a point, reluctant though I was to admit it. I stood up and made to leave. When I reached the door, I turned, holding the handle for support.
"I just... I want to be ready, you know?"
"I know," he replied, smiling. "But I'm really happy with the way things are between us right now and I don't mind taking things slowly. I waited years just to kiss you - I'll wait as long as you need for this. You have no reason to feel sorry about that."
I sighed. "It's just, this is really hard for me. I never did the whole experiment-at-college thing that you did. So now, I don't know what to do. What it'd be like. And I want to know all that stuff. But I just... there's just something stopping me. It's not you. Totally not you," I added with a grin. Let's face it, you'd have to be blind, deaf and totally dumb-ass to not want Sam.
Sam grinned back. "Well, that's good to hear. But I mean it, Josh. Take as long as you want. And when you're definitely ready, I'll take you to bed and I'll give you a back rub, and when you're totally and utterly relaxed, I'll make love to you." Mmm, his voice had gotten all low and sultry at that last part. I had a feeling I'd be up for this whole thing before too long. (And I really didn't intend any kind of pun there, okay? I'm not the one in this relationship who has rhetorical devices to hand.)
At that moment, a weird ringing noise started up in Toby's office and Sam jumped to his feet and headed across the room. What the hell kind of Pavlovian thing was going on here?
My befuddled look made Sam burst into laughter. "It's Toby's latest way of summoning me," he explained. "Says he needs to save his vocal chords for shouting at the assistants. He started to explain the reasoning behind it all but I decided to tune him out for a while there."
"Ahkay." I didn't really have any other response for that. "So, I'll see you this evening?"
"Oh, yeah," Sam replied. "You bet you'll see me this evening." And with a wink, he hustled past, leaving me standing in his office doorway, desperate for the day to be over.
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