Title: In-Between, It's All Uncertainty
Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)
Pairing: Donna/Amy. (implied) Donna/f
Summary: Missing scenes from "Commencement" and "25."
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.
Thanks: To Charlotte for the quick and lovely beta. I give you props and fruit pies.
In-Between, It's All Uncertainty by Michelle K.
Donna breathes a sigh of relief after Amy's gone. There's something that makes her nervous when they're together, something that leads her to need distraction.
She's not sure what it is, though -- they're friendly enough. Hell, she just asked her about her opinion on Josh's reaction to the windfall comment. That's got to mean she trusts her.
Wait. Josh. Maybe that's it.
But maybe it's not that exactly. Maybe it's that there's always an edge of flirtation to Amy's demeanor; maybe it's because she suspects that the subtext exists only in her head.
Donna sees someone approaching her from the corner of her eye. Amy, she thinks, but Margaret's talking to her instead. She takes a moment to wonder why she assumed the figure to be Amy, then dismisses the thought.
"You know what Leo got Zoey?"
Donna shrugs. "Based on your demeanor, I'm assuming it's not good."
"Does it do anything?"
"Well," Margaret begins. "It writes. But that's it."
"Have you seem Amy around a lot lately?"
"Amy?" She blinks. "Not anymore than I'd expect. Why?"
"I don't know. She just seems to be stopping by all the time."
"Well," Margaret begins. She looks pained, like she's afraid that Donna will be upset about her next words. "She probably wants to restart something up with Josh."
Donna considers telling Margaret a lot of things. One, that she's not as infatuated with Josh as she may believe. Two, that Amy has been talking to her more than she's been talking to Josh. But the first one is something that Margaret won't believe; the second is something that she doesn't want Margaret to know.
She changes in Josh's office. Since Josh is gone, and will be for a while, she's confident no one will walk in on her. She also decides this will be the best time to call the woman she's supposed to go out with tonight. It's the only real time she's had to call her. Sally? Sandra? No.
Sarah. Sarah...something, who she met in a bar last week. She seemed nice enough, and she probably continues to be nice. Nicer than Amy...
Donna chastises herself for the wild turn in thoughts. Amy has nothing to do with this. She keeps repeating herself as she searches for the scrunched up piece of paper she has in her bag; as she unfolds the piece of paper; as she tries to make out the drunken scrawl. By the time she dials the number, 'Amy has nothing to do with this,' has become her mantra.
"Hi. Amy?" Crap. She really is terrible at this. "Oh, Amy, wait for a minute, I'm on the phone. Sorry, I was just talking to this co-worker. So impatient they are."
"Okay. And you are?"
Really, really terrible. "Donna. We have a date tonight."
"Oh! Of course. I'm sorry. You just fazed me a little..."
"Understandable. I just wanted to make sure we were still on for tonight."
"Yes. Nine, right?"
"Right, Sarah. You are very right. Sarah." She covers her eyes with her hand. So incredibly terrible. "So, I'll see you then."
She's sinking, and she knows she must get out of this. "Wait a second, Amy, I'm still on the phone. Sorry, I have to go."
"Bye." She hangs up the phone, feeling mortified. How could she be this horrible? How could she end up saying Amy's name so many times? Does Sarah think she's crazy?
How could she *not.*
Amy opens the door for her. "There's plenty of room."
Donna shrugs, weighing the pros and cons of being alone with Amy. "I don't want to intrude."
"If you were intruding, I'd tell you."
She's sure Amy would, so she acquiesces. She moves over enough for Amy to get into the car. Then, they're off.
And Donna's not sure what to say. "So...did you get Zoey a present?"
Amy shakes her head. "I'm just telling her one thing: plastics."
"So, you're giving her a 'Graduate' reference?"
"It's a plan," Donna smiles. "But now I have nothing at all to impart to her. Otherwise, I'll seem like a copycat."
"Well, we could both give it to her," Amy suggests. "I could write it on a card. 'Plastics. Love, Amy and Donna.'"
"And your name goes first. That's unfair."
"Well, I could always take you out to dinner later."
Donna blinks. "Um--"
"To make up for the name thing." An uncomfortable silence follows. "I don't have to...I mean, it was just a joke."
Donna shakes her head. "No really, we should. Not tonight, though. I have a date."
"Really, we should." She decides to shut up; this is starting to sound phony. And really, she wouldn't mind having dinner with Amy. The car goes over a bump, and their legs brush together for the briefest of moments. Donna inhales, freezes, tries hard to remember the name of her date.
Sarah. Wonderful Sarah. Although, Donna doesn't know her well. There's gotta be something she's wonderful at, though.
"Leo got her a pen," Donna says.
"Does it do anything?"
"Well," Amy says. "That's something, I guess."
"If he's going to give it to her as a graduation present, it should at least write upside down. You know, like one of those--"
"Astronaut pens. I always wanted one of those." Amy smiles. "I'm not kidding."
"I didn't think you were..." Donna smiles back. "I would just think you'd be able to purchase one at some point."
"I don't know. It always seemed like a pointless thing to buy. After a while, being able to write upside down has got to get boring."
Another bump, and another meeting of their legs. Donna swallows, looks out the window. There is nothing going on. It's all in her mind.
After she returns to the White House, her cell phone rings. "Hello?"
"Hi, it's Sarah. I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight. Work, and everything."
"Oh. I'm sorry." If she had any real guts, she'd ask her the real reason she's breaking the date. Realized she doesn't like her? Freaked out by the crazy call? Met someone more attractive? "We'll do it some other time."
"Of course. I'll give you a call."
Sure, she will. Oh, well. If Donna's entirely honest, she wasn't feeling the chemistry with Sarah. It would've just been nice to go out with someone.
At least she'll get some work done.
The night won't be an entire waste; she's okay with it. Until Amy saunters in.
"What about the date?" Amy asks. "Oh. That's the thing that cancelled."
Donna leans back in her chair. "Oh. Yeah." Remember to use male pronoun. "He had to get up early in the morning."
"You don't really like him," she declares.
"Um..." She's kinda right. Donna wonders if she has an inkling to the gender. "Not really, to be honest. How'd you know?"
She shrugs. "You don't seem that disappointed." A sly smile, then: "But maybe you'd rather spend the time with me."
Donna looks away, pretending to be searching for something. "Hey, you want a beer?"
When she looks back, Amy's smile has turned tight. "Sure. The Wellingtons can only be considered with some liquor in you."
"Okay. Good." She smiles -- but not too wide. Her invitation is only for a little bit of relaxation. After all, she doesn't want Amy to think she doesn't like her. She does. She just doesn't need to become involved with her boss's ex-girlfriend.
Donna's not sure when one beer turned into two apiece, but it has loosened her up. She's smiled at Amy more than once. And she's found herself looking at Amy as she moves, shirt lifting and exposing part of her stomach. But watching without feeling strange, which, well, may actually be a problem. However, she's two beers past caring.
This, she thinks, is kinda nice.
Then, Amy brings up Josh.
Here comes the tension again.
She closes the book, opens it again. Maybe this is why she never feels quite comfortable around Amy for too long. Amy's always sizing her up, trying to figure out if Donna's a threat to her Josh obsession. And, now, Donna's extremely tense, unsure of how to respond.
Of her own feelings, she's sure -- but what's the point if the person won't believe you, as she's certain Amy won't.
"I've known him for a long time," Donna begins.
"Yeah, I'm aware of that," Amy replies.
Donna puts the book back down but doesn't move otherwise. "How do you make that leap?"
Donna turns around, hoping for a dramatic rotation, but Amy's not looking in her direction. She seems to be studying the beer bottles, moving them slightly back and forth. "Leap," she continues, "to jump from me discussing his psychosis to me being in love with him."
Donna's not sure whether to be annoyed or amused by Amy's line of questioning, but she still feels uneasy.
"If you want to make your move," Amy proceeds, "you better be prepared to hit him on the head."
"I'm not making any move," Donna says, crossing to Amy. "I'm not in love with him," she asserts, sinking back into her seat. "The problem is that you're in love with him, and you want to fight with me over him. And that's not going to happen."
Amy raises an eyebrow. "Because you'll win outright?"
"Aren't you listening to me?"
"Every word," Amy asserts. "Every word."
"You're the one who can't stop talking about him," Donna says. "You're the one who wants him."
"You don't know me."
"And you don't know me," Donna challenges.
"Fair enough." Amy leans -- too close -- into her. "But you're wrong."
"So are you." Donna's breath catches in her throat, and it occurs to her that the tension between her and Amy right *now* still might have nothing to do with Josh.
She looks away, hoping for something to distract her, but nothing seems right. Then, Amy's hand is on her knee.
"What are you doing?" Donna asks lamely, eyes meeting Amy's.
Amy leans in closer, crushing their lips together and Donna lets it happen.
No. She wants it to happen.
But she still pulls away. "We shouldn't do this here," Donna says.
"I shouldn't have done that at all," Amy says. She seems to have sobered up in a few moments. "I'm sorry. The Wellingtons are...it's all cleared up, so I'll just go."
"I should go, too," Donna says. She ducks into Josh's office until Amy's gone. She feels like a coward.
In a few moments, she's thinking of everything but her own problems.
After Amy hangs up the phone, she continues to stare in the direction that CJ and Abbey went. "Hey," she says without shifting her gaze.
"Hey," Donna mutters, looking from the window to Amy, then back again. "Do you think she'll be okay?"
"I'm sure she'll be great," Amy snaps.
"I know," Amy sighs. "I'm sorry."
"You can stop apologizing to me," Donna says. She exhales, waits for Amy to look at her.
"I've only done it twice," Amy counters. "Hardly a Herculean task of repetition." She sighs. "If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office."
She starts to walk away, eyes never meeting any part of Donna.
Donna hesitates before speaking. "Amy, wait."
"Yeah." Amy turns, finally looking at the other woman.
Donna searches her gaze, hunts for clues. But Amy's always been full of mixed signals, alternating flirting with accusations. Now, her expression conveys only pain, an emotion Donna's certain has nothing to do with her. "I think we should talk."
"This isn't the time," Amy replies coolly.
"I think it is," Donna replies. "This isn't going to get better."
"What do you mean by 'this'?"
Donna shrugs. "Everything."
Amy leads her to her office, closes the door carefully.
"I wanted you to kiss me," Donna says without preamble. "I just wasn't expecting it."
Amy stares at her. "Donna--"
Donna cuts her off with a kiss, one that Amy immediately responds to.
"We shouldn't do this here," Amy breathes.
Donna runs her fingers along the side of Amy's face. "I think we should."
Amy pulls her back into a kiss.
She's never done this before -- experienced the pseudo-exhibitionism of having sex in a locked office. Not even with Jack, though he floated the idea a few times. As to why she's doing this with Amy, she's not sure. Maybe to keep this impersonal. Maybe just to get the tension over with.
Maybe there's no reason at all; that scares her.
"I haven't done this in a while," Amy confesses as she pushes down Donna's jacket, throwing it to join her own removed garment.
For a moment, Donna feels superior. She wonders why mentally one upping Amy is so important to her; maybe it's karmic payback for the tumult of confusion Amy's caused inside her. "I have," she says with a smile.
"Anyone I know?"
"No," Donna replies. No one knows about the women; she doesn't want anyone to know. No one will know about Amy, either, she thinks, and she's not sure whether or not to feel relieved or ashamed.
Amy slides her leg between Donna's thighs as she pushes her against the wall, causing Donna to shudder.
"This isn't about Josh," Amy says.
She wonders if Amy is trying to send her a signal, give her pause. Maybe they should stop this after all, she thinks, but she doesn't speak. She just kisses Amy, pressing herself against Amy's leg.
They slide down the wall together, Amy pulling her closer as they make their descent. Donna feels Amy's breath against her ear; then her tongue on her neck.
"You're beautiful," Donna mutters.
"That so?" She nibbles on Donna's earlobe. "This really isn't about Josh, you know."
For some reason, Donna finds herself believing the pronouncement more the second time around. Maybe it's because she really wants to believe it. "I know."
Amy kisses her, guides her to the floor. It's hard, uncomfortable, and hardly the ideal place for sex. But it's the place they're going to have it, and Donna's okay with that.
Donna plays with the strings on Amy's shirt as they keep kissing. She has a sudden urge to undo them slowly, to let this be slow lovemaking instead of the quick fuck she's sure it'll be. Unsure of why she's thinking of prolonging this screwed-up thing with Amy, she suppresses the thoughts and slides her hands to Amy's breasts.
Amy kisses her way down Donna's neck, pulls down her shirt enough to uncover one breast. Amy doesn't waste any time, taking the nipple into her mouth until it's hard. She shifts Donna's shirt the over way, creating the same hard pressure.
Donna yelps as Amy's teeth press against her. Amy stops. "Sorry--"
"Don't worry about it. It was nothing. Just wasn't expecting it."
"Mmm." Amy undoes Donna's pants, pulling them off quickly. Her fingers linger on the outside of Donna's thighs as she stares down at her. Donna wonders if Amy is having the same unexplainable desire to make this into something bigger.
"Don't say anything," Amy says. She slips her hand inside Donna's panties, running two fingers over her swollen lips.
Donna's body arches instinctively as Amy slips a finger inside her, begins to move it in and out at a steady pace. She bites her lip, watches Amy. She wonders if either of them is fully aware of what they want.
Amy adds another finger, still rocking her hand with Donna's hips. They kiss as she comes, open mouthed and messy, continue as Donna rolls on top of Amy. She repeats 'this is not about Josh' as she pushes up Amy's shirt, kissing her newly exposed skin. How could this be about Josh, after all? She and Josh aren't similar in look or shape, and Amy has to know she's not sliding her fingers through short, curly hair.
Donna knows things aren't that cut and dried, but she pretends as she unclothes her from the waist down, her mouth traveling from Amy's hip to the inside of her thigh. Amy throws one of her legs over Donna's shoulder, pulling her closer as her tongue darts out against Amy's flesh. She tries out things that made past lovers squirm until she finds a pattern that's uniquely Amy's, repeating it until she makes her climax. She wonders how she compares to Josh; finds herself cringing as Amy cries out.
This is about Josh even when it has nothing to do with him, because he's still her friend and he's still Amy's former lover, but she can't turn back the clock now. She can't change the fact that she wanted her, has her, and probably wants her still. The damage is done, so she slips her fingers into Amy's hair and kisses her hard. She tries not to think about what might come next. She has an unsettling feeling that this isn't an ending.
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