Title: Head Low, Spirits Lower
Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)
Summary: None of them really know you. (post-ep for "25")
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.
Head Low, Spirits Lower by Michelle K.
When Amy gets off the phone, she looks over at you with eyes that claim to know you. You stare at the floor, wishing you could tell the truth. But keeping the secret is more important than surprising her.
You move past her, not saying a word in explanation. You need to be with Abbey, even though she probably doesn't care to see you.
You enter CJ's office without knocking. CJ looks over at you in surprise, but Abbey and the doctor are in their own little world of whisper.
"Donna--" CJ begins, cut off by Abbey's more kind recitation of your name.
Abbey looks up at you. She's focusing on you, but she still seems to be in a daze. "It's fine."
CJ looks perplexed, but says nothing.
You stay out of the way, leaning against the door as CJ looks at you with questioning eyes.
None of them really know you.
You step aside as the doctor moves past you. She'll be fine, apparently, but you know better. She won't be fine until Zoey's home.
God knows if that'll ever happen.
"CJ, would you mind leaving us for a moment?" Abbey says, surprising even you.
"Of course," CJ says, exiting.
The door clicks when it closes, and you move to her. "Abbey," you whisper as you put your arm around her. "She'll be fine," you assure her. "Everything will be okay."
You're not sure that she believes you; you doubt the veracity of the statement yourself.
"I'm terrified," she mumbles. "That I'll never--"
You know where the statement is headed, so you pull her toward you. She rests her head on your shoulder. No tears come, but you wish they would; it would be so much easier to feel the release of some part of what's bottled up inside her.
You think of all the time you've spent with her, the late nights and stolen moments. Of that time you hurt her and she countered with 'O Canada.'
In a way, you and her have had the smoothest messy affair in history. No one knows. You are both aware of what the relationship can be. You care about each other, but not so much that it hurts. But this is hard -- and yet, you find yourself not minding. It proves that you really do love her. You wonder if that realization makes things more complicated. Further wonder if there's ever been a moment of simplicity in your life, particularly one tied to your feelings for Abbey.
Saying her name again, you kiss her forehead. Then, she tilts her face upwards, looking into your eyes. So much confusion there, and oh, how you wish you could make it go away.
The meeting of your lips is chaste at first; then, her tongue sweeps against your bottom lip. Her mouth captures yours desperately as her fingers slide through your hair.
"Sorry," she mumbles as your mouths break apart.
"Don't be," you say, and she kisses you again. It's not really arousal you feel -- it's need. And you assume it must be the same for her. So, you let her do what she wants; allow her to guide your mouth to her neck, to the exposed part of her chest. But it's you who take the initiative to slide between her legs. "I love you," you say, but you're not surprised when she doesn't answer. This is not about you, and you don't want it to be.
You slip your hands underneath her skirt, waiting for her to tell you to stop. When she doesn't, you continue until there are no barriers to the inside of her thighs.
You really shouldn't be doing this on CJ's couch, when Abbey's moments away from crumbling, but you can make an argument that you shouldn't have done this anywhere at anytime.
She climaxes soundlessly, but you feel the familiar trembling of her body. You rest your head on her knee, running your tongue over your lips.
Her eyes do not meet yours as she touches your hair. "I'm a bad person," she mutters.
"No, you're not," you say.
"This..." she begins, pulling her hands away from you. "It's all because of this."
A punishment from God, you think, and you suddenly feel dirty because she thinks you are. You climb back on the couch, holding her again. You wonder if she's right, if you're both villains in this story, bringing about destruction with your misdeeds.
She pulls away and stands up, putting her clothes back in place, smoothing what your searching hands wrinkled. "We have to go. We can't stay here." She pauses. "I mean, I have to go. I'm sorry."
She heads for the door, and you jump up and follow her. Amy's there, standing next to CJ. Neither of them look at you.
"Ma'am," Amy says as she puts a hand on Abbey's shoulder. "I'll take you back to the residence, okay?"
Abbey nods, following Amy's lead. And you're left in the shadows once again, watching as someone else takes her where she needs to go.
>From the corner of your eye, you catch CJ staring at you. You fear what may live in her gaze, so you keep your head down once again. You walk in the opposite direction of Abbey, knowing you've done all you could do for her.
And that was nothing at all.
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