TITLE: A Goat Named Ron
AUTHOR: Julian Lee
CATEGORY: Sam/Will, "Guns Not Butter" post-ep
ARCHIVE: If you really want it, take it. Just let me know where it went.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these boys, which is really a pity, because I let them have so much fun!
NOTES: Apparently, Josh Malina is just going to keep inspiring me to do these. This is a post-ep to "Guns Not Butter," & it also kind of became a sequel to "And the Bicycles, Too," which you might want to read first in order for some of this to be comprehensible. I dedicate this one to Shoshanna. Whee!
A Goat Named Ron by Julian Lee
"They hate me, Sam."
"They don't hate you."
"I wasn't called by the right name once today. I wasn't called by the same wrong name twice. And then CJ put a goat in your office."
"A goat named Ron."
"Why would a goat in *my* office be a sign that CJ hates *you*?"
"I was going to mention this earlier..."
"I told Toby not to do it."
"Will, what's going on?"
"Okay. The thing is, until you come home – and, by the way, come home *soon* - I'm using your office."
"I protested vehemently. I want you to know that. I told Toby repeatedly that I didn't want to be moved into your office, and he did it anyway."
"That sounds like Toby."
"People resent this. They resent me using the office that belongs to you."
"They'll get over it."
"The junior staffers filled it with bicycles!"
"They're hazing you, Will. They don't have anything against you personally; you're just the new guy. Pretty soon they'll get over themselves, and then everyone will realize how amazing you are – just like I did."
"I don't think Josh is going to be coming to that conclusion anytime soon."
"Yeah, well, Josh gets a little passive-aggressive sometimes."
"I've noticed. But his attacks seem much more personal than everyone else's. Does he know something?"
"About us? Josh? No. No way. Although, since you bring it up—"
"Yeah, I'm really sorry about Toby."
"What did you *say* to him?"
"I was trying to make a point. It got a little out of hand."
"I'll say. You couldn't let it go, just once?"
"Frankly, no. Listen, Sam, I didn't *want* to help write the President's inaugural address. I just wanted to go to Nice."
"I'm glad you didn't. I like having you on the same continent."
"And I like being here. What I'm saying is that I'm doing this as a favor to you. And I can put up with the goats, and the bicycles, and the `Seaborn for Congress' posters—"
"It's illegal to campaign on federal—"
"I know. My point is that one thing I *don't* have to put up with is Toby Ziegler's heterosexist bullshit. This isn't the `50s, and this isn't Paducah, Kentucky. What he said to me simply wasn't acceptable."
"I agree. Honestly, I'm a little jealous. I wish I'd had the balls to say something like that to Toby when I first hired on."
"He said things like that to you?"
"And that's not even the tip of the iceberg. That's, like, what you can see of the iceberg from ten miles away."
"So he doesn't hate me."
"No, he definitely hates you. But he hates everybody."
"Um, okay. I guess that's good to know."
"I'm glad you're using my office. Makes us seem more connected, somehow."
"Same here. I just wish it wasn't causing me so much grief. I miss you."
"I miss you, too."
"When are you coming back to D.C.?"
"I'm losing this election as fast as I can."
"Are you sure you can't lose it any faster? I don't know how much longer I can do this without you here."
"You'll be *fine.* Hey, what was CJ doing with a goat in the first place?"
"I know that group. They give cows to impoverished families."
"Apparently they give goats, as well."
"And milk goats."
"Explain to me how we're hoping to get milk from a goat named Ron."
"I find it's best not to think about that too much. You'll only end up wondering if the goat is maybe a little bit transgendered."
"A `little bit' transgendered? I need to come home, don't I?"
"You *really* do."
"Great. Now I'm going to be up all night thinking about transgendered goats."
"Good night, Sam."
"Sweet dreams, Will."
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