Title: Underwear Now
Author: Baked Goldfish
Category: Spoof, challenge response
Disclaimer: They ain't mine. Please don't sue.
Summary: Underwear is discussed. Soulful glances are exchanged. Toby mumbles, and CJ eats goldfish.
Rated: PG, for innuendo.
Note: First off, this is an answer to a challenge that was posted a while ago where "soulful glances" had to be exchanged, Toby had to mumble, CJ had to eat goldfish crackers, and Leo & Jed had to discuss underwear. I think I got all of them. . . second, I know not what manner of glue I was sniffing when I wrote this. But here goes anyway. Oh, and researching men's underwear is fun.
http://www.bvdapparel.com is a happenin' place, I tell ya. . .


Underwear Now by Baked Goldfish

It was just another day in Bartlet's White House. Actually, it wasn't really Bartlet's White House, it was the White House of the American people. But really, it wasn't white. See, it had actually been painted white after the War of 1812, to cover up the charring done to its exterior by the British troops who had sailed up the Potomac Riv-


It was just another day in Bartlet's White House. Business as usual, with staffers bustling and jogging down the halls, rearin' to get the country back on track. There was some bill to pass, as was the case every week in this building, and everyone was exceptionally busy.

Everyone. . . except the women.

Abbey Bartlet sat, alone, in the White House's movie theater, watching some 1970's thriller flick, munching on some popcorn. She did not notice when Donnatella Moss walked in.

Slipping into the seat next to the First Lady, Donna said, "Hey, ma'am."

"Hey, Donna," Abbey replied, offering her some popcorn. "What's up?"

"Oh, not much," the younger woman sighed. "Josh and Sam are talking."


In another part of the White House-that-was-not-Bartlet's, Sam dropped a folder on Josh's desk. "Here's that speech you wanted."

Josh looked up from his endless pile of memorandums. "Speech on what?"

"On. . . " Sam glanced down at it. "I don't know, Toby wrote it. You know how he mumbles."

"Even in writing?" Josh picked it up and read it aloud. "Wme th Mrcan pl, mst p'side r df--what is this? I didn't know he actually writes like that. I just thought he talked like that. . . how does the President read this?"

With a shrug, Sam answered, "President Bartlet knows Tobymumble. Fluent in it, actually." He gazed soulfully at Josh.

Josh put the speech down and rubbed his eyes. "Well, as long as he knows how to read it." Looking up, he gazed soulfully at Sam. "Got any plans for the evening?" he asked huskily.

"Going out with Ainsley," Sam answered, his voice deep and rough. Snapping back to his normal straight self, he said, "So, you?"

Josh sat back, heterosexual as ever, and nodded. "Donna said something about dinner."

"Okay," Sam chirped, smiling as he picked up a banana from Josh's fruit basket. "I'll see ya then."


Donna popped some popcorn into her mouth. "So what's the movie?"

"Apocalypse Now," Abbey answered, never taking her eyes off the screen.

"Oh, I've seen this," CJ Cregg announced, sitting down on the other side of the First Lady. "Martin Sheen, right?"

Abbey nodded. "Yup. Haven't seen him around much lately. Popcorn?"

CJ shook her head and pulled out a bag of Pepperidge Farms Baked Goldfish (that's m'name!). "Wow, he was hot back then."

Rolling her eyes slightly, Abbey replied, "I *guess*. Not as hot as Jed was back then, though."

Donna nearly choked on her popcorn. "Uhh, what?"

"Nothing. . . say, where's Toby?"


A few minutes before CJ had made her way down to the theater, she had stopped in at Toby's office, press release in hand.

"Hey Toby," she said.

He looked up and mumbled a greeting.

"You needed to see this?" she asked, handing it to him.

He mumbled in reply.

"Really? But I thought we were going to swing the other way on the bill," she stated, confused.

Motioning in the air with his hands, Toby mumbled a little louder.

"What about the defense budget cut?" CJ asked. "I'll be getting questions on that."

Frowning slightly, Toby mumbled angrily.

Scoffing, CJ stated, "No need to get surly, there, partner. I'm not the enemy."

Toby glared at her. Mumbling grumpily, he looked down at his desk.

"I'm sorry, Toby. I shouldn't have snapped like that," she said warmly. "You need anything?"

Shaking his head, he mumbled softly.

With a smile, CJ replied, "Okay. Look, I'll be in the movie theater if you need me, okay?" She left his office, feeling his smile on her back. Actually, it was on his face, but it was behind her, so one could say-


She left his office, feeling his smile on her back.


"So, why are you down here, Mrs. Bartlet?" Donna asked, staring at the projection screen.

Shrugging, Abbey answered, "Jed was giving a treatise on underwear. Had to get away."

The two other women "oohed" in empathy. Just then, Ainsley walked in.

"Hey, all, what are you three doing in here?" she asked in iambic pentameter, sitting down behind the three other women.

"Watchin' a movie, eatin' some popcorn," CJ replied.

"True, true." Ainsley looked up at the screen. "Isn't that Martin Sheen?"

"Yup," the others answered together.

"He's on some TV show now, isn't he?"

Abbey shrugged, her eyes not leaving the screen. Silently, she offered the bag of popcorn to Ainsley; it left her hands, but she didn't notice. "The scene where he's shirtless is coming up," she whispered giddily.

"Ooh," they chorused, leaning forward in their seats, enraptured by the scene. The scene passed, and they settled back in again.

Donna turned her head slightly and asked, "So, Ainsley, what brings you down here?"

"Wanted to get out of the Dungeon. Also, Sam's talking to Josh, nothing better to do. Mrs. Bartlet, you said the President's giving a treatise on underwear?"

"Yeah, honey. God, I feel so bad for Leo."

"Leo?" CJ questioned.

"I left him in there with Jed."


"Speaking of underwear. . ."

"Oh god."

"Shut up, Leo. Speaking of underwear," Jed repeated, "did you know that the first major manufacturer of underwear was BVD? BVD, which stands for Bradley, Voorhees and Day-"

"I did, in fact, know that, Mr. President," Leo interjected, hoping to keep his friend from rambling onward.

"-and they first manufactured in, I think it was, 1876," Bartlet continued, undaunted. "Their first design was the Spiral Bustle. . ."

"Save me now," Leo mumbled as he slumped onto one of the Oval Office's couches. "Please, if there is a god, strike me now with lightening so as to end my suffering."

Jed paused in his ramblings. "That was almost poetic, there, Leo."

McGarry's head perked up. "Really?" he chirped, hoping that the President would no longer speak of underwear of years past.

"Yes," Jed answered. "Now, as I was saying, the Spiral Bustle was comprised of heavy-knit cotton or cotton/wool blend, making it tight-fitting and bulky. . ."

Leo groaned and slumped forward, resting his head in his hands defeatedly.

The President did not notice, as he was too caught up in his Presidential Treatise on The History Of Underwear. Seconds became minutes as he droned onward, completely unaware of his surroundings. He easily made the transition from nineteenth to twentieth century, an almost giddy look on his face.

". . . and after that, BVD moved foreward into making topless bathing suits for men. In fact, they once used Olympic swimmer Johnny Weismuller, better known as Tarzan, as a model for their 'topless' model. They also started the fad of skirtless swimwear for women."

Leo was reclined on the couch, arms crossed over his chest, eyes clenched shut, mouth set in a tight line.

"They came up with the line, 'Next to myself, I like BVD best' in the twenties," Jed continued, glancing at his not-so-captive audience of one. "Leo?"

"Yeah?" he asked curtly, not moving from his position.

"What kind of underwear do you wear?"

"You know the answer to that, Mr. President."

Bartlet lowered his head in thought. "But I want you to tell me," he stated, almost whiningly.

With a sigh, Leo answered, "Joe Boxers, usually."

"With the funny little smiley faces?"


"The silk ones?"


"Because, I wear Calvin Klein." He paused and leaned back against his desk. "What did you mean, 'usually'?"

Leo shrugged slightly. "Just that. I usually wear Joe Boxers." He paused in thought and cracked one eye open. "Not now, though."

Jed's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "What are you wearing now?"

He closed his eye again. "Nothing."

Jed stared at Leo as he lay on the President's couch. "N-nothing?"

"Yes, sir. Say, are we off this topic yet?" Leo asked, swinging his legs off the couch and opening his eyes. "Because I've got a meeting with Senator Gamez in about ten minutes that I need to get to." He got up and strode to the connecting door.

"No, wait," Bartlet called after. "What do you mean, nothing? You let me go on and on like that about underwear, and you're not wearing any?"

"Yup. Listen, anything you want me to pass on to Gamez?" McGarry asked nonchalantly as he gathered together some papers and stuffed them in his briefcase.

"I want you to put some underwear on," Jed stated loudly.

Leo eyed his President warily. "You so sure about that?" When Jed failed to answer, Leo placed the briefcase on the ground and walked towards him. "I mean, right now," he began quietly, "there's only this one, little piece of cloth separating me from the rest of the world. You *sure* I need some underwear?"

"Yes," Jed squeaked out as Leo brushed up against him.

"Oh," Leo chirped, a frown on his face. "Okay," he replied with a shrug, picking his briefcase back up.

"Wait! No, you don't need any!" Jed called out, stepping towards his chief of staff. "Right?"

Leo smiled and put his briefcase back down again. "Riiight. . . *now* you're catching on, sir."


"So, you think Leo's killed the President yet, ma'am?" CJ asked.

"No, I think Leo's boinking him right now," Abbey answered nonchalantly.

It was Ainsley's turn to nearly choke. "What?!"

"Well," Abbey began matter-of-factly, "I certainly don't mind. I mean, Jed's always been a virile man. Raging hormones and all that. Leo just helps out every now and then, gives me a break."

"You mean-" CJ stared at Abbey in utter shock. "You don't mind that?"

"No, not really. Actually, wanna watch? It's rather fun."

Ainsley ate the last of the popcorn, thought a moment, crumpled up the bag and stuffed that in her mouth also. "Sure," she mumbled around the paper bag.

Abbey took the remote control and fiddled with it a bit, getting the picture to change. Suddenly, the screen was covered with a live-feed image of Leo's office.

All three women tilted their heads to the right in order to get a better angle on the action. "Wow," Donna sighed. "I should get one of these put in Josh's office."

And so the three women in the projection room sat there, staring intently at the screen as two old guys got it on in a government building-


Stop hitting me! It's true, they're two old guys getting it on in a government building! What do you want me to say?


. . . and they all lived happily ever after.

-the end-

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