Title: Someone on my Mind
Author: Sunny
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I'm just playing with them.
Archive: Sure. Just let me know where.
Spoilers: Could be all of season 1 and 2
Rating: Slash NC17
Pairing: Toby/Sam
Summary: Sam muses on his feelings for Toby.


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Someone on my Mind by Sunny

It's 2a.m. on Saturday morning and I'm slumped on the couch in Toby's office. We've been here most of the night working on a proposal for the President to consider about oil drilling in Alaska. It's a very touchy subject with lots of pros and cons and Toby and I have debated just about every issue known to man on this subject. And yet, we still do not know which way to go.

But it doesn't matter. I really don't care if we come to a decision on this or not. I've really only been half way here all night. Instead I kept letting my mind wander. I couldn't help myself, I kept thinking about Toby. The man who has been ranting and raving for the better part of the last six hours.

I remember the first time I met Toby. It was in Nashua. Josh had dragged me up to meet Governor Bartlet and we had begun a discussion on foreign aid. We were doing really well until Toby overheard our conversation and nearly ripped my head off. It seems that he had spent the better part of the previous three weeks persuading the Governor to his way of thinking and I had changed his mind in half an hour. To say that Toby was not thrilled to meet me would be putting it mildly.

It took some time for him to open up to me and even now I think he wants to throttle me sometimes. I'm never exactly sure of my relationship with Toby. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm 12 again and I think that Toby probably would be a cool Dad. Especially since he has a passion for baseball. I'll bet that is something he would pass on to his kids. Then I remember that he is only about 15 years older than me and I think that that would be disgusting to have a father who was that young. I can't even use punctuation in my thoughts. Where did that last thought come from? I must be channeling Toby now.

So maybe Toby is more of a big brother than a father. He looks after me and when I start feeling too good about myself he rips me to shreds. Why is that? For years now I have been able to keep people from hurting me that way. Hell, even Josh, my best friend can't hurt me like Toby does and I know I don't think of Toby that way.

Look at Toby now, right now. He's sitting at his desk, it's 2 in the morning and we both have to be up early but he won't let me go because he wants to keep hammering on this oil thing. How can anyone be friends' with a guy like him. On the other hand, how can you not like Toby? Sure. He's a pain in the ass. But when you need help, he's the first one there. And he always makes it seem like a big deal so no one figures out that he is such an old softy inside. He's just a big Twinkie, in fact. Now there's an image.

Actually, the real truth to this whole thing is that I'm in love with him. I don't how or when or why. I just am. I haven't told him and I don't plan on telling him. Josh knows. How he figured that out I don't know. Maybe I watch Toby too much. Maybe I defend him to much when he's just ripped me a new one and I should be mad as hell at him. I am mad as hell at him but I can never stay that way very long.

I really love his hands. Well, not really his hands but his fingers. He has wonderful long fingers. I like to sit and watch him write. I don't actually look at the words, I just watch his hands and imagine them doing other things, to me. Oh, if he knew I just thought that he'd probably beat the hell out of me. That would be ok at least I'd get to feel his hands. Ok. Now I'm just getting too perverted for my own good.

Let's see, I like his hands and I also like his mouth. The way his lower lip sticks out under his moustache, it gives me shudders. The combination of his mouth, beard, and hands would drive me up the wall. It's driving me up the wall right now and I've only imagined how they would feel.

I tried to get Toby out of my system but that didn't work very well. Instead I ended up sleeping with a prostitute. Yes, I said prostitute. Laurie was a nice girl but in reality, she left me cold. I couldn't get Toby off of my mind then and I still can't now. I've never been with a man but I would sure like to be with this one. But I guess that will never happen because I'm too afraid to do anything but dream about him.

"Sam," Toby says sharply.

"What," I reply slowly.

"It's time to go to bed," he says.

"Excuse me," I stammer as my voice has gone up a few octaves.

"Go home and go to bed," he says softly. "I have to go to shul. We'll get back to this later."
"Are you going to go home to," I ask.

"It's too far," he says. "I'm just going to rest here."

"Why don't come with me," I offer. "It's not far. You can sleep in a bed and take a shower before you go."

He looks at me with those soft brown eyes. I forgot to mention those eyes, they're adorable.

"Ok," he agrees. We stand up and gather our stuff. I go to my office and grab my coat and briefcase and meet him in the bullpen. We walk down the hall towards the exit.

"What were you thinking of back there," he asks.

"I'm sorry," I reply.

"In my office," he explains. "You had a dreamy look on your face like you were a million miles away."

"It was nothing," I say as I feel myself blush. "I just have someone on my mind."

 

We're now in my apartment and I realize that this is the first time Toby has ever been here. He takes his time looking at the pictures and stuff I have scattered about the room as I make the bed in the spare room. Its kind of stuffy in here and there is dust everywhere. I grabbed a rag and quickly wiped the dust but I can't do much about the air. Getting clean sheets from the closet I opt for the newest set I can find. I want him to sleep comfortably so I grab
an extra pillow from my room.

"Thanks Sam," Toby says as I adjust the comforter on the bed. "This will be fine."

I turn around to look at him and see that he is standing just outside of the door. "Good night," I say as I walk past him in the hallway. He mumbles back at me as he enters the room and shuts the door.

I go to my room get undressed and climb into bed. Lying on my back I listen intently hoping that I can hear him in the next room. Its juvenile I know but I can't help myself. I close my eyes and all I see is Toby lying under the soft blue sheets in the bed next door. I'm starting to get myself aroused. I roll on my side and will myself to go to sleep as morning comes quickly.

There is a knock on my bedroom door. For a moment I think that I dreamt it.

"Sam," Toby says quietly as he opens the door.

I sit up and answer him. "Come on in. What's up?"

"Do you have any pain medication," he asks. "I think I tweaked a muscle in my back."

"Let me check," I say as I get up and walk into the bathroom. I am aware that he has followed me and I glance in the mirror to look at him. He's staring at the picture I have on the far wall. It's a picture of he and I taken one New Years Eve. It's my favorite picture.

"I always liked that picture," he says suddenly. "But I don't keep it in the bathroom."

"Its my favorite," I inform him. "This is where I can look at it most often."

He nods in understanding as I hand him a couple of pills and a glass of water. I watch him out of the corner of my eye. He's wearing briefs and nothing more. I have to admit that he does look really good. He has broad shoulders and really nice legs. He's not as hairy as I imagined. It covers his chest and legs but not his stomach.

"Thanks," he says as he hands me the glass.

"Are you going to be okay," I ask as set the glass on the counter.

"If it bugs me more than half an hour I'll take a shower," he replies.

"I'm pretty good at massages," I say. "Do you want me to rub your back?"

He looks at me for a moment without answering. I can tell that he is contemplating the situation. Two grown men in their underwear talking about possibly touching and being touched. I must admit that part of me is screaming say `No' because I probably won't be able to stand the contact while another part of me is screaming say `Yes' because I really want any excuse to touch him.

"Ok," he replies softly and turn back to my bedroom. It's a good thing I set the glass down because I probably would have dropped it as my hands are shaking.

I follow him into my room and see that he has stretched out on my bed on his stomach.
"Is this good," he asks.

"Perfect," I reply as I steel myself for this moment. I climb onto the bed and sit to the side of him. Reaching over I start to knead the muscles of his shoulders. The muscles are tight and I realize he is just as nervous as I am.

"Relax," I command as I dig my thumbs into his shoulder blades. He moans and I feel his shoulders slump slightly.

"Wouldn't it be easier if you sat on my legs," he says.

"Probably," I reply.

"Go ahead," he smiles. "I can't bite you from this angle."

I chuckle as I straddle his thighs and position myself in a way that he won't be able to tell if I get aroused. I let my hands move over his back and shoulders as my mind begins to wander again. I can't believe my luck. Here I am in bed with Toby Ziegler. Technically, we are in bed and we are together. We're just not doing exactly what I want to be doing.

It's hard to believe that this guy doesn't work out. His back feels so strong under my hands. I run both of my hands together down his spine from the base of his neck to the end of his spine. I have to move his shorts down in order to reach the end of his spine. I move my hands apart and let my thumbs lightly slide over the curve of his ass, which I must say is very nicely rounded. He really should wear tighter pants that would show off his body better. But then more women would want him and I would never have a chance with him.

I continue to rub my hands up and down his back. I'm amazed that he hasn't said anything about my thumbs caressing his ass. On the fifth or sixth pass I run my hands over the sides of his hips up along the side of his chest to his armpits and back to his shoulders. He doesn't move, shudder, sigh or complain so I lean over and see that he has fallen asleep. I smile to myself and continue to rub his back. This is probably the most relaxed he's been in a long time. I can't stop myself as I let my hands move under his shorts to caress his ass. It feels really good in my hands so I give him a gentle squeeze.

"Sam," Toby says sleepily. I freeze with my hands still in his shorts. "Stop fondling my ass and lie down. It's late and we both need to sleep."

I remove my hands from his shorts and get off of his legs. We both crawl under the covers and Toby immediately falls back asleep. I lay on my side so I can watch him. What does this mean, I wonder. He didn't yell at me and now we're in bed together. He's lying on his stomach with his head facing towards me. I really have to fight the urge to lean over and kiss him. I snuggle down further and a little closer allowing my leg to brush his. It feels good to have this intimate contact and I long for more.

Toby opens his eye and peers at me. "Go to sleep," he says sternly.

I sigh. "I can't. There's something I need to tell you."

"I already know. Go to sleep."

"You don't know," I say to him.

"Sam. I know," he repeats and closes his eye.

"What do you know," I ask. I can't keep this to myself any more and for some reason now seems like a good time to put things right.

He rolls onto his side and looks at me with both eyes. "You want to have sex with me and right now you are dying to touch me more," he says.

I'm stunned. How did he know? Josh? Did Josh tell him? "How did you know," I stammer.

"Been there. Done that," he replies.

"You've been with a guy," I ask.

"When I was about your age," he tells me.

"What happened," I inquire. My curiosity is piqued and Toby doesn't seem to be minding my questions. Or so I thought.

"I don't want to talk about it," he says abruptly and rolls back onto his stomach.

"Ok," I say letting the subject drop for a moment. "So do I have any chance in hell?"

"Not at the moment," he replies softly. "There are a few things I have to think about. Lets discuss this some time when we're not in bed."

"Ok," I agree. "But I still want to touch you right now."

He takes a deep breath then lets it out. "Fine. You can cuddle next to me. But no intimate touching or I'm leaving."

"Ok," I smile as I move closer and put my arm across his waist and one leg over the back of his legs. "Is this ok?"

"Shut up and go to sleep," he grumbles. I smile and hold him close as I fall asleep. t's a damn good thing its dark in here or Sam would have realized that I wanted him too. We're lying here, in his bed and I'm on my stomach because I'm hard as a rock and I don't want him to know. It took everything I had not toss him on this bed and have my way with him. And now we're lying here and he's got one arm wrapped around me and a leg thrown over mine. Torture, pure torture. He's damn lucky I have so much self control. Yeah right. That's why I'm so hard I could drill a hole in the floor.

He's too damn good looking for me. He looks like he should be on the cover of GQ and I look like I should be in the Muppets. What an odd pair. Not that I dislike the Muppets. I love the Muppets, especially Kermit. He's my kind of frog. Oh God! Now I'm lying here thinking about Muppets and Sam is breathing in my ear!

He wanted to know how I knew he wanted me. What he doesn't realize is that his desire has been written on his face for a long time. Much longer than he realizes. Hell, even the President said something to me about it. `Toby,' he said. `That boy is in love with you.'

`I know,' I told him.

`What are you going to do about it,' he asked.

`Nothing,' I replied. `Not unless he approaches me.'

Damn it, now I have to do something. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should do the same as was done to me. No, that's not right. That shouldn't be done to anyone. I'm ashamed of that even though I know it wasn't my fault. How can I tell Sam about that? How can I not tell Sam? I have to tell him. He needs to know the things inside of me if we are to build a relationship. Build a relationship! Hell, the boy just wants sex. Oh, admit it Ziegler you want more than just sex with the boy. You want a chance for more.

Sam must be waking up his hand is moving. No he's not waking up. He's coping a feel in his sleep. Damn! The boys got soft hands. I'd sure like to feel those hands elsewhere. I could. All I'd have to do is roll over. He sure likes my ass. He better get used to the idea of being on the bottom because I'm not. Ok, he needs to wake up cause now he's kissing my shoulder! This was not a good idea! His mouth is so damn soft! Shit, shit, shit! I quickly slide out from under him and out of the bed.

"Toby," he says sleepily. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I reply quietly. "I just have to go to the bathroom."

"Ok," he mumbles. "Hurry back."

I stumble into the bathroom and close the door. I turn on the light. It's bright and I have to squint to see in the mirror. My face is flushed and looking down I see a wet stain on the front of my shorts.

"Wonderful," I mumble to myself. I strip off my shorts and climb into the shower. I can tell Sam that my back was bothering me when he asks. Not if he asks, when he asks. Because he will ask. I can almost guarantee that he is lying out there straining to hear everything that I do. Been there, done that. I turn the water on and make it tepid instead of cold. I really do not like cold showers for any reason other than if I'm sun burnt. That's just the way I am.

"Toby," Sam yells through the door.

"What," I yell.

"Are you ok," he asks. "Is your back bothering you?"

"I'm fine," I try to assure him. "I'll be out soon."

"Do you need any help?"

I smile to myself. Got to give to him credit, he does keep trying. "No. I can do this alone."

"Ok," he replies sounding disappointed.

I turn the hot water off and let the cold water run down the front of my body. Believe it or not, this does help. Temporarily. Unfortunately I can only stand this for a few minutes so I turn the water off and pull back the curtain. And Sam is standing there. He holds out a towel that I take. I watch as he tries to keep his eyes on my face. I know he wants to look lower but he's trying to be a gentleman.

"Sorry to barge in," he says. "But I wanted you to have a clean towel."

"Thanks," I say. I'm a lot bolder than he is so I look down at his shorts, which are strained to the limit. "Maybe you should take a shower."

"Will you stay and help me," he asks as he pushes his shorts down to his ankles. Now I'm getting hot again and there is nowhere to go to get out of here.

"This is not a good idea," I say as he steps into the shower next to me. He so close I can smell his desire. I close my eyes and will my body to behave. Sam starts touching my face. His fingers are running down my beard to my chin. I open my eyes and he is right in front of me. I swallow hard then give into temptation and lean over to kiss him.

"Hey Sam," a voice yells from the bedroom. "Where the hell are you?"

"I'll be right there," Sam yells at Josh.

Suddenly the bathroom door opens and Josh comes in. "Have you seen Toby," he asks. He stops as his eyes land on both of us standing naked in the shower. `Great,' I think. `This is so not good.'

Josh smiles. "There you are," he says to me. "Leo's been looking for you."

"He's not coming in here too is he," I ask as I look over his shoulder.

His grin widens. "Nah, I'm here alone."

"Get out," I tell him.

"I'll be out here," he says as he gestures towards the bedroom with his head. "Good job Sam."
"What did he mean by that," I ask as the door closed.

"He knows how I feel about you," Sam says. "He's been telling me to make a move for a long time."

"He didn't think I would kill you," I ask.

"Well," he hesitates. "Yeah. He did think you would kill me. But I told him it would be worth it to die in your hands."

I grab Sam behind the neck and roughly pull him towards me. I kiss him hard without any tongue action for a few seconds. When I release him he is flushed and out of breath.

"We need to talk," I say as I step out of the shower and wrap the towel around my waist. "There are things I have to tell you."

"Ok," he says softly.

I walk out of the bathroom and go looking for my pants. I can't face Josh again without my pants. When I do talk to him, I'm going to thank him for his good timing then I'm going to kick his ass for encouraging all this.


I turn the water on knowing that opportunity has passed and I am not getting any further with Toby tonight. Josh is such a dead man. I hurry with my shower and wrap a towel around my waist before I walk into the bedroom. I try not to be disappointed as I see that Toby is in fact, not waiting in bed for me. So I pull on my sweats and head for the kitchen. Josh is sitting on my couch watching the early news.

"Hi," he says grinning like Cheshire cat.

"Shut up," I retort.

"I'm sorry," he says sincerely. "I didn't realize he was here and you guys were cleaning up."

"Cleaning up? We were just getting started," I tell him.

"Now I really am sorry," he says seriously. "But now the hard part is over. He knows how you feel."

"Yeah," I agree as I sit next to him. "You know what's funny about this whole thing?"
"What's that," he asks.

"I didn't have to say anything. He already knew."

Josh gives me a confused look. "How would he know?"

"He says he's been there and done that," I explain. "He's been with another man already."

"Wow," he says flatly. "That's like, totally unexpected."

"Yeah. So what's up with Leo," I ask.

He shrugs and picks up the remote. "Hell if I know."

 

The streets are pretty quiet at this time of the morning. It's a good time to walk around and clear your head. Leo just wanted to know where some notes were so he could brief the President. I should try to keep my phone a little more handy so he doesn't send the Josh police after me. Of course if he hadn't sent Josh I would probably be in bed with Sam doing things that he is just not prepared for. It's not as easy to be with a man as some people think.

I know this from experience. My first time with a man happened about fifteen years ago, no it was closer to twenty years ago. His name was Max something. I can't even remember his last name. I still love him and probably always will, I just can't remember his freakin name! Oh well, it's not like we'll ever see each other again. I still remember his sister calling to tell me that he was dead, it was very weird.

Look at this I managed to find my way home. I wonder if my key still works? It does! The place is a mess I need to clean it up. Maybe I can get Sam to come over and clean it. I should let Sam know where I am. If he calls the office he'll freak when they tell him I'm not there. I must be channeling Sam now cause I'm starting to think like he talks!

"Hello," Sam says quietly.

"It's me," I say.

"Toby! What's the matter? Do you need me to come in," he asks and I hear the concern in his voice.

"No," I reply. "I'm not at work."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at home," I say softly.

"Oh," he says sounding disappointed. "You left your underwear in my bathroom."

"I did," I asked surprised. I didn't even realize that I didn't have it on.

"Yeah," he laughs. "You want me to bring it to you?"

"Now?"

"I would. If you want me too," he confides. I realize that we have somehow stepped over a line and have become more intimate with each other than we were 12 hours ago. I seriously consider whether or not I want to see him right away. "We really need to talk."

"Yes. We do," I agree.

"I could come over there and we can talk about whatever is on your mind," he says trying to persuade me to say yes.

"My place is a mess," I tell him stalling for more time.

"Toby. I'm not coming over to see your place. I'm coming to see you," he says softly.

Damn! How does he know what to say to get right to me? It's been a long time since someone has wanted me this badly.

"Ok," I agree. "Get your ass over here."

"I'm almost there," he says as he hangs up the phone.

This is crazy, absolutely crazy. I just left him so I can think and now I'm asking him to come see me. There is something wrong with me.


It barely takes him ten minutes to get to my place. He must have driven over because it took me thirty minutes to walk over. I open the door and let him in. His cheeks are flushed from the cold or maybe he's just happy to see me again. He hands me his coat and I throw it on a chair behind me. I start walking towards him and he backs up not knowing what is going on. I trap him against the door by standing close enough that when we breathe our chests touch.

He's looking at me with wide eyes. I can see that he is partially scared and partially excited. I put my hands against the door on either side of his head then lean in to kiss him. As our mouths come together he parts his lips in anticipation of my tongue. I don't want to disappoint him so I let my tongue explore his mouth. He moans and wraps his arms around me pulling me tightly against him. I can feel his erection rubbing against my leg and I wonder if I am the right person to do this with him. I break the kiss and start nibbling along his jaw.

"Toby," he moans softly in my ear as he grabs my ass and pulls me even closer. "I want you so much."

"I know," I whisper as I am now cradling his head with both of my
hands. My fingers glide through the softness of his hair as I let my
mouth wander down his neck.

"Can we go to bed," he asks softly.

I pull back to look into his eyes. He no longer looks scared just excited.

"I want you, Toby. I want you now," he tells me.

I grab his hand and lead him to my room there will be time for talking later.

We're now standing in his bedroom and I think I'm going to fall over. My knees are so weak and my head is spinning. Toby has completely taken over this situation. He is slowly undressing me and in the process is kissing every inch of exposed skin. He has gotten as far as pulling my shirt up and over my head. His beard is tickling my chest and I swear if he bites me one more time I'm going to scream. I think that I could die right now and it would be okay. This is better, much better than I ever imagined.

I slide my hands from his shoulders to the back of his neck to hold him close as he licks and nibbles across my chest. I have never been teased like this. Hell, I've never teased anyone like this. It is a glorious torture. I feel like I could come right now and he hasn't removed my pants. His mouth moves lower to my abdomen and I can feel his tongue outline the muscles he finds there. For once I have a reason to do all those sit-ups and scrunches. His hands are running up and down my back as his tongue swirls into my belly button. I tighten my grip on him and moan. I am definitely going to faint.

"Toby," I say through my teeth. "I need to sit or lie down."

"Not yet," he tells me as he moves lower and I feel his breath through the front of my pants. I am straining to be touched but he sits back on his haunches and looks up at me.

"What," I ask softly. He continues to look at me and after a few seconds he gives me a smile that is both shy and devilish. I have never seen him smile like that and it makes me tremble. It is kind of scary because Toby rarely smiles and now he is smiling with his eyes as well. I like this Toby I like the fact that he is sharing this with me. He drops his gaze as he reaches for my foot. He pulls off my shoes, one after the other. Then he grabs the sides of my sweat pants and roughly yanks them down to my knees. I didn't wear any shorts and this makes him smile even more.

He leans forward and I close my eyes in anticipation. When nothing happens I open my eyes to see him standing in front of me.

"Undress me," he commands.

I step out of my pants kicking them under the bed as I reach for the buttons on his shirt. He doesn't touch me instead he stands quietly and watches. My hands are trembling as I slip the buttons loose. I lick my lips and decide to follow his lead. I lean over and kiss the exposed skin on his chest. The wiry hair tickles my face but oh my God he tastes good! I let my tongue sneak out to slide across his skin. He takes a sharp breath but otherwise doesn't move.

I tug the end of his shirt out of his pants then push it off his shoulders and down his arms. He tugs his hands out of the sleeves grabs my head and kisses me forcefully. I don't know if this is planned or if he is fighting his emotions as much as I am but its getting very exciting to have him go from completely in control to absolutely no control and back again. His tongue forces its way into my mouth and I lean into him. The contact of our naked chests overwhelms me and I slide to my knees. Toby lets me drop to the ground his hands are on my hair touching me but not forcing anything.

Reaching for his belt I swallow hard then try to hurry my efforts. He laughs softly as I fumble with the snap then moans as I let my hands brush his cock as I pull down the zipper. A quick tug and his pants are on the floor. I let my hands slide up his legs to his hips. I can't take my eyes off of him and I know that I have to taste him. I start to move forward when he softly speaks to me, "Sam, you don't have to do that."

I look him directly in the eyes and reply. "Yes I do. I have to taste you."

He says nothing more and I feel his hands gently pull me closer to his body. My mouth comes in contact with the tip of his cock, which is soft and smooth. I place a soft kiss on it then lick just the end. His hands tighten on my head but he doesn't move me. Slowly I lick down the side of his length. I bury my face in his crotch for a moment before moving back to the tip. My lips slide over the head and I take about half of him into my mouth. I start to suck hard as I move back and forth taking him deeper and deeper each time. After a few minutes he starts moving his hips.

"Sam," he says roughly. "Stop."

I ignore him and suck a little harder.

"Stop," he pleads. "Sam, please! Stop!"

But I don't stop and within seconds he is coming in my mouth. I'm surprised that I don't gag but instead I swallow it all. I feel him tremble so I hold his legs as I lick him clean. I start sucking him again as I really need him to make love to me. My aggressiveness is surprising to me usually I will follow whatever lead my partner wants but not this time. After several minutes he pulls me off of his cock and helps me to my feet. We stare deeply into each others eyes and I wonder if he sees my love for him.

He pulls me into a warm hug and our bodies mold to one another. It feels so wonderful that tears fill my eyes. I'm not embarrassed about this display of emotion. This is Toby. I can be me in front of him and not worry about what he will say. I love him and I hope that he loves me too. He loosens the embrace and leads me to the bed where we lie down and he takes me in his arms again.

`Ok,' I think. `I'm never going to breath again.' I'm lying here on my back taking in huge gulps of air. My heart is pounding ninety miles an hour and I'm still seeing stars. That was incredible! I never realized that sex with another man could be so fulfilling. Toby is a wonderful lover. He's gentle and patient. He let me get used to him being inside me before he fucked the hell out of me.

Rolling onto my side, I see that he has already calmed down enough to fall asleep. The morning sun is lighting the room and I can see him better. I reach out and trace my finger from his ear to the end of his chin. This night has made me confident in my dealings with him. He is my lover and I no longer fear him. I am still fearful. I don't want to disappoint him or hurt him or ever let him think that I don't care for him. I am suddenly overwhelmed by this need to protect him so I reach over and pull him to me. He doesn't resist but cuddles to my chest as I wrap my arms around him and kiss the top of his head. He will be the dominant partner in this relationship and I don't mind. I would rather be the one to hold and comfort him. I love him and nothing will change that.

"Sam," he says sleepily. "Yeah baby," I reply.

He looks up at me and frowns. "What time is it?"

"It's early yet," I tell him.

"I need to go to shul," he reminds me.

"Can't you stay with me today," I ask quietly. I don't want to be selfish but then again I don't want this night to end.

"Ok honey," he mumbles as he buries himself back into my chest. I smile at the endearment and wonder if he realizes what he said. He wraps an arm around me holding me tightly. I can feel the rhythm of his breath on my skin as I close my eyes and fall asleep too.


Later that Day

"Shit, shit, shit," I curse out loud as I realize it's afternoon and I didn't make it to shul.

"What's the matter baby," Sam asks and I realize he holding me to his chest. His very firm, muscular, smooth chest is pressed against my face and suddenly I can't breath normally. I pull myself out of his embrace into a sitting position. The back of my legs and hips ache from a long forgotten soreness as I force them to move before they are ready.

"I missed Shul," I tell him.

He smiles and rubs his hand along my cheek. "You promised to stay here with me today," he explains.

"I did," I say as I frown and try to remember.

"Yes," he says firmly. "You also promised to tell me about how you became so knowledgeable in the art of making love to a man."

"Now I know you're lying," I say as I roll onto my back. "Because I wasn't awake long enough to say that."

Sam follows me over and starts to rub my stomach. "I would really like to know," he says softly.

I close my eyes and rub my hands over my face. I still don't want to talk about it but I know we can't get a relationship started with this hanging between us. Lowering my hands I peer at him. He's so damn adorable, he's got this pouty look on his face as he's watching his own hands draw patterns on my stomach.

"His name was Max," I begin. "And he was a friend of CJ's brother."

He interrupts me. "Does CJ know about this?"

I sigh loudly and rub my face again. "Yeah, she knows."

"Wow."

"Can I continue now?"

"I'm sorry," he says as he leans over and kisses me softly on the lips. "Go ahead."

"Yeah. We met at a party, that CJ drug me to, that was being held at her brothers. It was weird. CJ and I walked into the room and my eyes landed on this guy and I couldn't look away. The damn thing was, he was looking at me too. CJ introduced us then she took off and he and I started talking. Next thing I know is we're dancing together and he starts kissing me. I couldn't believe the way he was making me feel. I wanted him so much and he knew it. He…uh…he."

"He what," Sam asked softly.

"He made me go down on him right there at the party," I say softly. "He said that if I really wanted to be with him I would suck him off right there. So I did. CJ didn't talk to me for quite a while after that. I ended up going home with him that night. And believe me when I tell you I was sore the next day."

"I believe it," Sam says as he flexes his hips and grimaces.

"Did I hurt you," I ask as I take him in my arms.

"Only temporarily," he assures me. "So what happened with Max?"

"We saw each other as much as we could for the next several years. And as I became well known in political circles we had to make a decision. You see it wasn't so popular back then to be in politics and a same sex relationship. Max and I stopped seeing each other. I met Andi about three months later and we started dating heavily. CJ told me that Max had met someone else and three years after that I found out he had been killed by a drunk driver. I loved him, Sam. I still love him."

Sam kisses my chest as I hold him close. "It's ok," he says softly. "I've learned in my few years of adulthood that people can love and be in love with several people at once. Lets use this to give us a chance. Ok?"

"Ok," I whisper as I tilt his face up and kiss him tenderly. All thoughts of Max fly out of my head as Sam deepens the kiss. Right now, I only have Sam on my mind.

The End

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