Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)
Rating: R (language, sexuality)
Archive: If you want. Ask first.
Spoilers: Any ep with Amy is fair game.
Summary: They're supposed to hate each other.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.
Notes: Yeah, I know this is nuts. I have nothing to blame but myself and my love of bizarre Donna pairings.
Rivalry by Michelle K.
Amy knew she could live without Josh Lyman.
It wasn't a statement of his dispensability; it was more a testament to her strength. She never really needed anyone in that all consuming way. When relationships ended, it didn't cause her to fall into a puddle of tears. She just moved on.
And, with Josh, she figured she'd have to move on again. She knew him and his horrible track record with women. He'd screw this up.
She wasn't quite right.
The first time she talked to Donna Moss was at a fundraiser. Amy was, for all intents and purposes, Josh's date, but she hadn't really seen him too much. It suited her okay, she supposed. She was a player in the political game, not some bimbo date. She didn't need to hang on his arm like he was a life raft.
And it was better than being someone's photo op.
She had just gotten finished talking to Carole Matthews, a female senator who'd been a big supporter of the Women's Leadership Council. It hadn't been an in-depth discussion - these types of events promote stop and chats more than serious discourse on politics. But, still, Carole was a friend, so it wasn't something she particularly resented. She was in a good mood.
Until she turned, took a step, and ran smack into Donna.
"Are you stalking me?" she asked.
"No," Donna furrowed her brow in confusion, but managed to smile. "I'm--"
"I know," Amy replied. They had yet to enjoy a formal introduction, but she'd seen her around. Upon closer inspection, she could tell she was right - Donna was pretty. She wouldn't blame Josh for having an affair with her. "I'm Amy Gardner."
"I know." Donna extended her hand and Amy shook it. "Josh has told me a lot about you."
"Really? He's told me a lot about you, too." He hadn't really, but she thought it was something she had to say. When meeting someone with whom you have exactly one other person in common, it has to be said.
"Nothing bad, I hope."
Amy could tell that Donna actually cared about Josh's opinion. She felt a little sorry for her. "No, he's been kind."
Donna was silent for a moment. "So...Women's Leadership Council."
"So...Deputy Chief of Staff's office."
"Don't get me started on working for Josh," she smiled.
Amy smiled back, and she wondered if liking Donna was allowed. Most women would want to kill the attractive young assistant of their boyfriend. But she was thinking how radiant she looked. "Well, you should try dating him."
"No thanks," Donna said, and her disinterest was unconvincing.
Amy decided liking Donna would probably not be allowed. "Well, I won't force ya," she commented dryly. "I have a few people to talk to, so, if you'd excuse me."
"Oh. Of course." She looked disappointed, and Amy was almost back to liking her.
Amy walked away. She didn't notice that Donna watched every movement.
A few days later, Josh invited her to lunch. He wanted to meet at his office, and he told her he got her 'clearance.' The comment, she supposed, held the same purpose as telling her to 'drop by' the White House - to make him sound important.
She wondered why he bothered. She knew he had an important job - flaunting it didn't make her fall deeply in love with him. She guessed that this was just something he did with all the women he dated. She wondered if the rest of them were dazzled.
But she didn't mock him about his hubris, and she arrived at the White House at the time he specified. She was waiting for someone to 'escort' her - she supposed it would be Josh.
But, instead, it was Donna. "Nice to see you again," she said with a smile and another outstretched hand.
"Likewise," she said, taking her hand in hers once again.
Donna began to walk, and Amy matched her impressive speed. "Josh is running a little late, so you may have to hang around for awhile."
"I guess I don't mind," Amy replied.
Donna showed her to Josh's office, and she wasn't surprised to find it cluttered. Josh seemed like he would have an office of chaos.
"Well, this is his workspace," Donna said.
"Looks like it." Amy turned to her, finally able to make eye contact now that they were both stationary. But, for some reason, her eyes didn't stay with Donna's. Her gaze dipped down lower, where she noticed the first few buttons of Donna's shirt undone. She could see a silk camisole peeking out and she wondered why that got her attention at all.
"He does have his own style," Donna agreed. Amy's eyes looked up again, and Donna was smiling broadly at her. She wondered if Donna noticed where she was just looking.
"You look nice," Amy said clumsily, hoping to cover.
"Oh. Thanks," Donna said. "You can wait in here until Josh gets back," she said.
Donna left. This time, Amy watched her every movement.
One night, Josh invited Amy out for a drink with his friends. Sam, whom she kinda knew, was there as were CJ and Toby, whom she kinda didn't. Donna was there, too, and she supposed she didn't know her at all.
Amy was almost done with her second martini when she noticed Donna looking at her. Everyone, except for the two of them, was in a separate conversation - so she didn't think it was strange when Donna leaned in and began to talk.
"So, how was Tahiti?" she asked casually.
Amy stared at her. "I've never been."
"I mean, Josh's Tahiti. He told me about it. I mean, because I made the reservations and then I had to cancel them and then I asked what was going on and then a few days later..." Donna paused. "I'm babbling. Anyway, you get the idea."
"Yeah. It was nice. Fake Tahiti, I mean," she said by way of explanation. "The thing about J is this. He spends a lot of the time being an ass, but then he does one disturbingly adorable thing that redeems him."
"That's him alright." She paused. "Can something be disturbing and adorable at the same time?"
Then, Josh interrupted. "What are you two talking about?"
"Whether or not something can be disturbing and adorable at the same time," Donna said.
"Two headed kittens," Sam blurted out. "On one hand, two adorable kitty heads. On the other hand, one freakish cat."
They were all silent for a moment. "You are one sick man, my friend," CJ said.
"And it's been said that I can't hold my liquor?" Josh piped in. "At least I never started blabbing about freak cats."
Amy had switched to Scotch when she saw Donna looking at her again. But this time, Amy was talking to Josh and she didn't see a reason to break communication. She was curious as to why Donna was looking at her at all. She was even more curious as to why she wanted Donna to look at her. Maybe she drank too much; too much drinking usually stirred in her desires that made no sense.
But maybe this wasn't desire - maybe it was irritation that she was there at all.
Maybe she didn't have a clue about anything.
The fourth time she saw Donna was in a situation not unlike the third. Except, this time, Toby spent much of the night arguing with a man named Doug and Amy stuck to Scotch.
She had definitely been drinking too much, because now her classification of Donna had risen from pretty to beautiful. Or, at least she would tell herself later that she was drinking too much. In fact, she only had three drinks, all of which she believed were too watered down.
Donna, though, wasn't drinking at all, and Amy surmised it was just so she could taunt Josh.
"I'm classy, while you're just a slob," she said.
"Who calls themselves classy?" Josh said. "I'll tell you who. People who aren't classy."
They continued back and forth, bantering like they were in a screwball comedy. It annoyed her, but she noticed how Donna's skin looked smooth and flawless.
Donna's eyes met hers, and Donna looked like she felt guilty. Their eyes met for a second too long, and she looked even guiltier.
The night came to a close with a lot of drunken goodbyes. Amy was slapped on the back by Sam in a way that he probably thought was friendly - she had to suppress the desire to punch him.
Doug had left earlier when it became patently obvious that no one wanted him there, which left CJ, Toby, Josh, Sam, Donna and herself. CJ called a cab and declared that she'd give a free ride to anybody, which made Josh smirk. When the cab finally got there, CJ, Toby and Sam crowded in the back. Josh was about to get in the front when he finally remembered Amy's presence.
"There's not enough room," he said. "You want me to wait so we could get another cab together?"
"I'll drive her home," Donna offered. Amy's head snapped towards Donna's direction, hoping she'd take back the offer. She didn't. "It'd be no problem at all."
"No, you don't have to," Amy said, her voice a little too pointed.
"It's no trouble," Donna replied. "And there's really no reason to call a cab. What's the point of being the only sober one if you can't drive a drunk person home?"
Donna smiled; Amy rolled her eyes.
"You could drive Josh home," Amy suggested. "I'm sure you know where that is." It sounded accusatory on her ears, but nobody seemed to notice; Josh and Donna, at least, didn't look ashamed.
Donna looked at her. "I really don't think I could take anymore of Josh tonight. And, anyway, I have some things I want to discuss with you." To Amy, the last comment seemed like a soft whisper; but apparently, it was heard by everyone.
"That doesn't sound good for me," Josh said.
"Probably won't be," Amy said. "So you oughtta watch yourself, J." She realized she was talking as if she was going to take a ride from Donna; she didn't know why.
"Just go," Donna waved them away.
Josh got into the cab and it drove off into the night. Amy was alone with Donna and her temples felt unnaturally tight.
"I should call a cab," Amy said.
"Don't be ridiculous," Donna said. "And, anyway, I do want to talk to you."
Amy raised an eyebrow. "What for?"
"There are just things that I want to say," Donna said. Amy wondered if she was naturally opaque.
Donna's car was messier than she expected. In the back seat, there were a few crumpled fast food bags and empty coke cans. And, as she settled herself into the passenger's side, she noticed her feet were on an old Entertainment Weekly. She moved her feet a little and discovered she had been stepping on Nicole Kidman's face.
"Sorry about the state of the car," Donna said. "I've been meaning to clean it out, but I haven't quite gotten around to it."
"I know what it's like," Amy replied, although her car was always kept spotless. "I don't live too far from here. I'll tell you where to go."
Donna nodded and started the car. Amy gave her directions, all the time keeping her eyes on the sidewalks. At a stoplight, while her eyes were on a woman yelling into a cell phone, she asked casually, "So, what'd you want to talk about?"
"You said a right up there?" she ungracefully dodged the question.
"Two streets up. What is it?"
Donna's fingers drummed against the steering wheel; when the car was on the move again she blurted out, "I'm not after Josh."
"Did I say you were? Because if I did, it was probably another personality that I'm not yet aware of. I should get a shrink."
"No, you didn't say that. But I felt--" she paused as she turned the wheel, "--I felt that you were looking at me like..."
"I thought you were a man stealing hussy?" she said it as if it were crazy, but the thought had occurred to her. Not in such soap opera terms, persay, but it had still been in her head.
"Look, I don't really care if you have a thing for Josh. Even if you were to steal him from me or whatever, I'm not really going to hunt you down and kill you. I'm not that type of person. Relationships end." She shrugged. "It's not like it's never happened before."
"I'm not after Josh," she repeated. "He...he's just not the type to build a lifetime around."
"Maybe men aren't supposed to be about building lifetimes. Particularly not around them."
Donna shrugged. Amy noticed Donna's skirt riding up on her thighs. She swallowed hard.
"I don't think you're trying to steal Josh," Amy said again.
"And I'm not trying to."
"End of discussion. Now we can move on. My building's right up there," Amy said. Donna pulled over, and Amy hesitated to leave. She wondered what the etiquette rules were about girls who adamantly declared their nondesire to sleep with your boyfriend. Was it okay to invite them up to your apartment for coffee or was it general frowned up by society? The answer would be clear for girls who *did* want to sleep with your boyfriend; but those who didn't stood in a much grayer area. Then, she realized she never gave a shit about etiquette. "You wanna come up for coffee?" Amy asked.
Donna looked surprised but still answered with, "Yes."
Donna liked her coffee with cream and sugar. Amy watched her sit on the edge of the couch, back almost perfectly straight. She didn't look that prim and proper in the bar; but now, Amy supposed, she was nervous.
"What are you nervous about?" Amy asked her simply.
"Me? I'm not nervous," she said, a finger tracing the handle of her mug. "I'm just...not sure why I'm here."
"Well, I wasn't sure why you wanted to drive me home. Now I know it's because you don't want to sleep with Josh. What I'm curious about now is why you wanted to tell me that."
Donna stared at her. "Well...I just thought I should make everything clear. A lot of people think I have a thing for Josh and I thought you were misreading things. I don't want you to be suspicious of me. And who knows how long you and Josh will be together. You've survived a couple weeks, so you may just be in for the long haul." She smiled self-consciously.
"Yeah. I would just ask one more thing of you."
"Stop staring at me. It's more than a little unnerving."
Donna stopped smiling. "You stare at me too."
"But for different reasons."
"And what would those be?" she said, eyebrow raised. For some reason, she seemed more confident.
She wasn't sure what to say. Part of it was suspicion; part of it was contempt. But most of it, strangely, was desire. She knew she wasn't going to say that, though - that kind of 'sharing what you truly feel' bullshit wasn't for her. And there was no good way for such a revelation to be taken. "You remind me of someone," was what she finally said. It was somewhat true.
"Someone you liked?"
She remembered Kara, with her flowing blonde hair and soft voice, and she said, "Yeah. I liked her a lot."
"You know, I have a early morning tomorrow, so..." she let the sentence hang out there, waiting for Donna to get the hint.
Donna stayed sitting, began to move her knees together, and took a sip of coffee.
Amy stood up. "I don't want to be rude--"
"I'm sure you have your moments." She paused, a tiny smile curving her lips. "Yeah, so I guess I should..." Donna's voice trailed off and she stood up.
Amy walked her to the door; she worried that if she didn't force Donna out, she may never leave. She had her hand on the knob and she turned. Donna's face was too close to hers and all she thought about was lips and tongues. "I guess I'll see you sometime."
"Yeah," Donna agreed. "I guess our paths could meet again."
And then Donna kissed her, lips closed but pressure hard. Like a kiss between old friends who secretly hate each other; or, more accurately, a kiss between two supposed rivals who share a secret attraction.
Amy pulled away. She tried to look irritated - and, although it was a visage she had mastered a long while ago, it still didn't seem entirely convincing to either of them. "What the hell was that?" she asked.
"I think we both know," Donna replied evenly. "Whatever my opinion of you is, dumb doesn't enter into it."
Donna kissed her again, the pressure a little lighter but still heavy against her mouth. She wondered if the sensation had more to do with Donna's kissing technique or the overall wrongfulness of what was happening.
Amy wanted to tell her to stop but, instead, she opened her mouth, welcoming Donna's tongue to move against hers. That made it feel better and worse at the same time, so she focused on the visceral aspects of what was happening. Like how Donna's hands were placed firmly on her hips and how she tasted of artificial watermelon, the kind that came in a candy wrapper.
Their mouths parted, but their faces were still close. "You've been sucking on Jolly Ranchers lately?" Amy asked with just a hint of derisiveness.
"Yeah," Donna admitted.
"What are you, ten?"
Donna smirked. "Well, I don't think you'd be doing this with a ten year old. And, anyway, you really aren't one to talk, with your love of water balloons."
Amy cringed inwardly at the indirect mention of Josh. "Please don't bring him up now, okay?"
"Sorry," Donna said softly, thinking of Josh herself. She was betraying him, but she didn't want to stop. This would be another reason for him to be angry with her, but she wanted Amy. She was silent for a while, thinking about the past, the future and, most importantly, the present. "You know, I think this is the first thing I've ever done that has nothing to do with him," she said truthfully. She kissed Amy again, and she wanted her to kiss her back.
She got her wish.
Amy pressed her body against the other woman, and told herself that Josh didn't matter right now. So, she focused on Donna, her mouth and tongue, and the faint hint of sugar that now seemed to be part of her.
She couldn't help but wonder if all of Donna tasted sweet.
They moved to the bed, but they kept their clothes on. That way, Amy supposed, they could say this didn't really mean anything. It wasn't real.
So, it was all about pushing up and pulling down, tasting lace and skin at the same time. It was all about nothing. Or at least that's what she told herself as she moaned at the feel of Donna's mouth on her neck.
Then, Donna's hand slid into her shirt, lingering and squeezing. And Amy wondered how far nothing could go.
So, she decided to test her, this woman that she hardly knew. This woman that she thought her boyfriend wanted to sleep with. This woman that she was, apparently, very close to fucking.
She decided to test her, so she pushed her down until her back was on the bed. Donna didn't protest. Nor did she protest when Amy pushed her skirt all the way up, letting it bunch up at her waist. She was silent still as Amy kissed and sucked on her thigh.
Nothing seemed like it might go pretty far.
Amy abruptly moved her mouth away and rested her body on her knees. How Donna reacted to this, she decided would determine what happened next. Either they would both come to their senses or they would both ignore everything for...nothing.
Donna was staring at her, eyes a strange mix of desire and disappointment. "What are you doing?"
"Damned if I know," Amy muttered in response.
She continued to stare. "Please," she said, sliding her body down the bed so she was closer to Amy.
"Please what?" she asked, although she knew the answer.
"If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll have to reevaluate my opinion of you," she said with a small smile. "And, you know, add dumb."
Amy wasn't dumb, so she pulled Donna's panties down. That wasn't the epitome of smart, either. But she wanted it.
So, she did it.
She tasted like a mix of honey and salt, she felt tight and warm against her fingers. When she came, her hips rose off the bed and her body shuddered. Amy felt a warm rush of her own when Donna said her name, calling it out like she was screaming for help.
Maybe she was.
They kissed, soft and deep, until Donna rolled them both around until she was on top. She gave her one last peck before straddling her thighs. "That was good," she said with a smile.
"I'd hope so," Amy replied. "Otherwise, there really isn't a point."
"That really puts the pressure on me, you know," Donna pouted. She slowly began to rub Amy's thighs. "What if I mess it up?" She leaned into her, slowly moving her mouth down the valley in-between her breasts.
"I don't think you could. But, if you did, I'd let you know how to do it right," Amy said, half-surprised she was able to form such a coherent sentence.
"I bet you would," Donna replied, fingers playing with the waistband of Amy's underwear. She pushed them down as much as she could, then moved so Amy could have the freedom to kick them off the rest of the way. Donna put a hand in-between Amy's thighs, moving them apart. She moved her body again, settling herself until her mouth was hovering over Amy's sex. "Tell me if you have any complaints," Donna said.
"I will," she promised right before she felt Donna's tongue pressing inside her. She couldn't think of any complaints; all she could think of was Donna's tongue and Donna's fingers and Donna's lips. She gave over to Donna completely, let Donna do what she wanted, let Donna bring her to orgasm, let Donna make her scream.
It was all about Donna, and nothing else.
When it was over, Donna kissed her lightly and lay down next to her on the bed. Then, there was one moment, a moment of afterglow when she thought, 'that-was-fucking-great.' It was gone quickly, replaced by awkwardness and unease and the kind of silence that can only fall on a room that smells like sex.
Amy sighed. "So..." she said, just to say something.
"Yeah," Donna replied.
"So, have you done that before?"
"There was this girl in high school--" Donna stopped short. "Yeah, I have. You?"
"More than just a girl in high school," Amy said. She paused, sighed, and said, "We really fucked up, didn't we?"
"Yeah," Donna said, voice small. "You're...you're not going to tell Josh about this, are you?"
"Of course not," Amy replied. "He'd be angrier at me than he'd be at you."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that." She got up suddenly. "I really should go. Early morning and everything. Do you know where my panties are?" she asked without making eye contact.
"Should be somewhere on the bed," she replied.
She ruffled through the covers until she found them. She pulled them up and pushed her skirt down. "I'm going to go," she said again. She slid her hands down her clothes, presumably trying to straighten herself out. Make her self more presentable. Pretend her clothes were never pulled out of place to begin with.
Amy sat up, and shifted her own apparel to make it seem less askew. "Don't feel guilty about this," she told her, even as blame was rising in her stomach. "It just happened."
"Yeah. I know." Donna finally looked at her. "I have to go," she said again.
"Yeah. I'll see you around," Amy said.
Donna looked like she wanted to say something. But, all she said was, "Yeah." She walked out without another word.
Amy stayed where she was for a few minutes. Then, she got up and locked the door.
A couple of days later, Josh called her and invited her to the White House. "I'll give you the full tour," he said, and she could picture the smirk on his face as he mentally made of list of all the places they could have sex.
It was tempting, but she made up an excuse about having work to do. In truth, she didn't want to see Donna again. If she planned it out right, she figured it would be easy to avoid.
"Okay," Josh said, and she could tell he was disappointed.
"Talk to you later," was all she said before she hung up the phone.
A few nights later, more than a week after what happened between her and Donna, Josh took her out to a late dinner.
Josh was acting charming, and mostly succeeding to make her smile. But it put a strain on her, trying to pretend that she did nothing wrong. She didn't know how to accurately mimic innocence when she wasn't even a suspect.
But Josh didn't seem to notice and the evening was nice.
Until she turned her head and saw Donna.
She was walking in the restaurant with a man, tall with blonde hair. Amy felt jealous of the man she didn't know, and she felt even worse.
"What are you looking at?" Josh asked. He didn't wait for her answer, though, and turned his head in the direction of her eyes. "Donna," he said as he waved her over.
Amy cringed inwardly as the pair made their way over, but she feigned pleasantries when they were standing right next to their table.
"Fancy meetin' you here," Josh said.
"Our paths were destined to cross again," Donna said. "I've known it ever since I let saw you at nine o'clock tonight."
"It was meant to be," Amy piped in. The date, she noticed, was still silent.
"Kevin and I were just grabbing a late dinner," Donna continued. "Oh, I didn't introduce you, did I? Guys, this is Kevin Penn. Kevin, this is my boss Josh Lyman and his girlfriend Amy Gardner."
"Nice to meet you," Kevin said with a nod. "I'm going to go sit down," he said before abruptly walking away.
"He's a real charmer," Josh observed.
"He's tired," Donna said in his defense. Her eyes met with Amy's, and she quickly looked back at Josh. "Long day and all that."
Amy continued looking at her, trying to figure out if there was any part of Donna she could look at that wouldn't make her think of blonde hair falling against her thighs. She stared into her drink instead.
"You're not seeing Cliff anymore?" Josh asked.
"You know we broke up," Donna replied.
"Who could've predicted that match made in heaven would fail?"
"You do know best."
Amy couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not, but when her eyes did reluctantly travel back to Donna, she noticed hurt etched on her face.
"I also know Kevin isn't going to work out, despite his sparkling personality. You really can pick them, Donna."
"I have a good feeling about Kevin."
"That I have never heard before."
Donna looked more upset. Josh either didn't notice or didn't care. "Stop being such a downer," she said lightly, trying to cover the pain that was obviously there.
"I think you should stop being an asshole," Amy interjected. Both of them looked at her then.
Josh looked pissed; Donna wasn't so easy to read this time. She could sense relief at not being the center of attention; anything else was a guess. Amy liked to think that Donna wanted to kiss her for saying what she never could. She also liked to think that Donna still remembered some of what happened with fondness instead of shame.
That was true for her, at least.
"I going to go," Donna said. "I'm hungry and Kevin has to get up early in the morning. See you tomorrow, Josh."
"Bye, Donna," he replied, but he was still staring at Amy.
"Bye, Amy," Donna said. She smiled, then, but it had the faint hint of sadness.
"Bye, Donna," she smiled back. As Donna walked away, Amy looked back to Josh.
He still looked pissed. "What was that?"
"You were acting like an asshole. I told you to stop. That's pretty much it in a nutshell," she said nonchalantly.
"Donna does have a shitty taste in men," Josh said, and Amy almost asked him what he thought of her taste in women. "I'm just being honest with her."
"There's a fine line between honesty and being a prick."
"Prick? Well, thank you for that elevation in stature. From asshole to prick all in a matter of seconds. Can I ask you, by the way, where the line is between being honest and being a bitch?"
"Fuck you," she said.
Josh looked remorseful. "Look, I'm sorry--"
"I don't care. I don't really need this right now, okay? Maybe I'll talk to you later." She slung her coat over her arm, not feeling like taking the time to put it on. As she walked out, she saw Donna looking at her with a concerned visage. She wondered what she was concerned about - the possibility that Josh had found out about them having sex? The possibility that Josh was hurt? Or Amy herself?
Amy didn't know, and she didn't have the energy to deal with whatever the hell was going on between her and Donna. Josh was confusing enough. 'I'm confusing enough,' she thought.
The air outside was cold on her face, and Amy stopped for a moment to pull her coat on. She tried to figure out what it was she wanted, but she knew it was pointless.
With Josh came Donna, and she couldn't deal with the constant thoughts about what happened.
And with Donna came Josh, and the remnant of a past relationship.
But Donna would never really be with her since she knew it would hurt Josh. And, if they were together, together in the 'secret late night sex session' sense, it would go nowhere. And Donna would still feel guilty. And Amy would be angry that Josh would be more important that her.
So, whatever she wanted, she couldn't really have it. Because there was more to everything than herself. Everything was complicated.
She ignored Josh's calls until, finally, they stopped coming. He probably thought he fucked this up, that he screwed up another relationship. But, really, she was the one who made a big mistake.
And she thought Josh would be the one to throw it all away by sleeping with Donna. Ironic.
The idea made her laugh, but she felt more bitterness than humor.
She reflected on Josh, Donna, and the whole mini-mess that was almost a disaster.
She decided it would be best to forget it all.
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