Author: Baked Goldfish
Title: Lumpy Pillow
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. O piteous creature that I am.
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Lumpy Pillow by Baked Goldfish

Leopold McGarry.

Leo McGarry. Leo. You know, I love that name. Leo. Simple, strong.
Just, you know, sort of rolls off your tongue when you say it. Leo.
I could spend hours just saying your name.

I could spend hours just watching you sleep. The way your mouth just
sort of curves up a little, and your eyes just seem all happy and soft
behind those lids. The way your heart sounds as I'm resting my head
on your chest. The way my head is lifted up rhythmically with your
breath.

I've gotten past those walls you've put up of late. I like that. I
can feel you now Leo. Leo. I like that name. I can feel that name.
I can feel you.

If you were awake, and I were telling you all this, you'd laugh at me
and call me silly. That's okay. I like being silly for you. Because
then you get silly yourself, which is something that nobody else gets
to see. And I like being the only one who sees that. I'm selfish
that way, I guess. It's something that I have of you that nobody else
has.

You talk in your sleep, you know that? Well, it's not really
*talking*. I mean, you're not gonna be giving away state secrets in
your sleep or anything. You just mumble sometimes. And then you
snuggle a little closer. I think it's cute. Adorable, even. You'd
probably hate it if you knew I thought you were adorable. You'd get
all grumpy and grumbly, and I'd have to smile because you'd look even
more adorable.

I'm just gonna close my eyes now. And sleep. You're so adorable when
you're asleep, you know that? I'm gonna have dreams about you, you
adorable, wonderful man.

You've been through it all with me. And I've been through it all with
you. When the papers came, I was there for you. When Lillienfield
was on your tail, I was there to listen. When Jenny left you, it just
about broke my heart to see you hurt like that. I cried for you, you
know. I cried myself to sleep. I cried in the solitude and sanctity
of my office. I cried with my head in my hands when in the car at a
stop.

Even before Jenny left you, I was there. When you went to rehab, who
looked out for you? Now, I'm not saying you owe me one; you've done
so much for me. So much, so much. I was simply repaying you. I'm
still in debt. I'm probably never gonna get out of debt.

I don't mind. If it means I get to stay with you forever, then I'll
stay indebted to you. I love being with you. I love the way you
smile at me, I love the way you laugh, I love the way you look when
you're all grumpy and grumbly.

I love you, Leopold McGarry. Except you don't know it. Because
you're not ready to know it. The world isn't ready to know it.

So, I'm just gonna close my eyes, and pretend in the morning that I'd
fallen asleep while reading one of those obnoxious reports and curled
up next to the closest warm body that was available. The closest warm
body just happened to be you. That's all. Innocent. Two best
friends who just happened to fall asleep. Nothing wrong with that in
the eyes of the rest of the world.

And you won't be the wiser when you wake up. You'll just think I
nodded off and used you as a lumpy pillow or something. And you are a
lumpy pillow, don't kid yourself. But you're a lumpy pillow who'll be
none the wiser in the morning. You'll shove me off of you playfully,
and you'll grin that grin, and you'll laugh that laugh, and I'll grin
and laugh and pretend that I wasn't awake for hours before you pushed
me off you.

You make for a pretty comfortable lumpy pillow. I have to say, in my
travels, I've not come across a lumpier or more comfortable pillow.
And I've found quite a few lumpy pillows. Real ones, I mean. Like,
the down filled sort. Not people pillows. You're my only person
pillow.

Well. . . you and Abbey. But I don't kid with her. She's a good
friend. I used to love her like, well, like a man loves a woman. But
now, it's more like how a man loves his best friend. She's the one
who helped me realize, you know. She was the one who showed me just
how much I really do love you. And I love her for that, like a best
friend. The girls don't know. Zoey might have an idea. She's a
smart girl, Leo. But she doesn't know for sure. Nobody except me and
Abbey knows.

Maybe someday, you'll know too. If you're ready. If you want to. I
don't want to tell you. You know, I'm afraid of what you'll think of
me if I told you. I mean, I know you wouldn't throw away forty solid
years of friendship over it. But things might change. So, I'm gonna
wait until it looks like you're ready. If you're ever ready. I don't
know if you ever will be.

So for now, I'll just be content with these chances to fall asleep
with my head on your chest, and your arm flung carelessly over my
shoulder. I'll take this day by day, minute by minute. I won't go
any further than you're ready for me to go, Leo. For now, you'll just
be my lumpy pillow.

-end-

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