Title: Jerry! Jerry!
Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)
Pairing/Genre: Slash. Humor. Parody.
Archive: If you actually want *this* - ask first.
Summary: Leo, Sam, Mallory, and Jerry Springer.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'TWW' or Jerry Springer. I do, however, own my twisted little imagination.
Notes: So I said to Priya that when I first saw the Leo/Sam pairing, the image of Leo, Sam, and Mal on Jerry Springer popped into my head and that I was tempted to write it. She said I should, and I did. This has been lying around on my hard drive for a few days because I thought it was too goofy to post. But then I realized that I've written goofier, so... *shrug* And go read Priya's story, because it's a lot better than this freak of fiction.
Jerry! Jerry! By Michelle K.
On a television studio. Smoke filters through the room, the audience cheers. And, then, the ringmaster, also know as Jerry Springer, enters.
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: Thank you. (after audience's shouts die down, he continues) Many of us have had failed relationships. But how many of us have had our previous mate go after our father?
On the stage, we finally see Mallory, looking even more irritated than normal.
Jerry: Well, that's what happened to Mallory. You want to tell us about it?
Mallory: Well, he was never really my boyfriend. We went out on a date once. Well, kinda. But then he was in a picture with a call girl--
Mallory: --and he never called me after that. I started dating a hockey player and we were having a lot of sex.
Audience: WOO HOO!
Mallory: But then we talked, and it seemed alright. I wasn't really *mad* at him anymore. (near growl) Until *now* that is.
Jerry: Understandable. When did this thing between him and your father start?
Mallory: A few weeks ago. They just told me about it a few days ago. Then I called your show.
Jerry: So, why don't we meet them?
Sam and Leo enter, holding hands and wearing matching shirts that declare 'I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is.' They are greeted by boos and scattered yells of "Father whore!"
Jerry: Welcome to the show.
Sam: I don't see why we have to be here. I mean, it's not like Mallory and I ever really dated.
Mallory: So? I still wouldn't ever have sex with your father.
Sam: (bitterly) But I bet he'd have sex with you. The bastard.
Jerry: So, how did this all start?
Sam: Well, first I hit on his wife. Then, I hit on his daughter. Then I saw a picture of his sister and thought she looked hot. And I realized that I was attracted to every woman Leo is connected to for a reason. Because I really wanted him. (looks at Leo adoringly)
Mallory and Audience: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Leo: (shrugs) I think I'm just obligated to have sex with everyone. So, it was just a matter of time before I had to sleep with Sam, too. I think Josh is going to be next.
Mallory: (horrified) Daddy!
Leo: Calm down, baby.
Mallory: Calling me that won't change the fact that my father's sleeping with my kinda sorta ex!
Jerry goes out into the audience to take questions.
Audience Member: Do you all come from the same trailer park?
Rest of Audience: WOO HOO!
Leo: No. I'm from Boston...or Chicago.
Audience Member: Well...both of those places suck!
Rest of Audience: WOO HOO!
Jerry: (to Leo) But there's even more to this story, isn't there?
Jerry: You've been also seeing someone called (squints as he looks at his card)...Is it possible you've been seeing someone named Potus?
Sam: You never told me you were sleeping with Potus!
Jerry: Okay, then. Let's welcome Potus.
Jed comes running from backstage. He immediately sics on Sam and begins to bitchslap him.
Jed: (stops for a moment) Did you know that bitchslap originated back with the first domesticated dogs? Apparently, they developed the term 'bitchslap' to describe the punishment for female dogs who misbehaved.
Sam: No I didn't, Sir.
Jed: Learn something new everyday. Like how I just learned that you took my man!
Jed resumes bitchslapping Sam. After several minutes, the security guards rip Jed off Sam. They seat Jed a few feet away from his romantic rival. Steve, one of the security guards, stands in-between them to avoid further attacks.
Steve: Now, you just sit there.
Jerry: Well, welcome to the show.
Jed: (ignores Jerry; to Leo and Sam) I can't believe that you two have done this to me!
Leo: It just happened.
Mallory: (head in hands, horribly embarrassed) I can't believe you've been sleeping with Uncle Jed too.
Jed: He's been sleeping with everyone! Donna, CJ, Margaret, Ainsley, John Hoynes, John Marbury, Tribbey!
Audience: Switch-hitting slut! Switch-hitting slut!
Jed: And I'm not even going to mention that time with Abbey.
Leo: What are you complaining about? You were there.
Jed: (shakes head) You're stomping on my heart, Leo.
For no reason that is feasible, a cake appears on the stage. Jed eyes it for a moment, then throws it in the direction of the two men.
After a moment of confusion, Leo and Sam throw bits of the cake back at Jed. After a scuffle, all three men are covered in cake.
Leo: Aww, Christ. C'mon, Jed. We don't have to fight like this. We can work it out.
Audience member: (violently grabs the mike away from Jerry) Don't do it, Popopus! He's a dog!
Rest of audience: YEAH!
Another audience member: (grabs mike away from first audience member) I think that it's important to heal our relationships--
Rest of audience: Go to Oprah! Go to Oprah!
Leo: (ignores audience) The three of us could be good together.
Leo, Jed, and Sam happily hold hands.
Jerry: (shakes head) You people are sick.
Mallory: I'm so glad that I, for still unexplained reasons, have a different last name than you!
Jerry: Well, I guess this is as good a time as any for a commercial break.
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jed and Sam look at Leo lovingly. Leo scans the audience for new people to shag.
Mallory: (shakes head) This is so humiliating.
Jerry: When we come back - what happens when a woman is torn between a blond Republican sex kitten and a bald speechwriting mumbler? Stay tuned.
And with that, we:
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