Title: Jed Bartlet Woke Up Gay
Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)
Archive: If you want. Ask first.
Genre: Humor/Parody. Slash.
Summary: Title says it all, baby.
Disclaimer: Characters are Aaron's. "Dancing Queen" is Abba's. One of the lines has been stolen from "American Beauty" which belongs to Alan Ball.
Notes: The 'Wake Up Gay' thing has probably passed, but I just needed to write this. 'Cuz Jed *had* to wake up gay sooner or later, even if it was later rather than sooner. As usual, the 'Wake Up Gay' site can be found at: http://www.dymphna.net/wakeupgay/
Jed Bartlet Woke Up Gay by Michelle K.
On a calm day in January, the most powerful man in America woke up gay.
President Jed Bartlet woke up at around five in the morning, filled with energy. When he showered, he lathered himself with lavender scented bodywash, washed his hair with raspberry shampoo and strawberry conditioner.
He toweled himself off, delighting in the faint but lovely aroma that lingered on his skin.
"I'll go down in the history books as the sweetest smelling President in history," he sighed happily.
Next, he had to get dressed. He perused the closet of dark suits and felt unsatisfied. None of these drab creations matched his bright mood! And, then, he remembered an outfit he had buried deep in his closet. It was a bright pink suit with a matching striped tie. He had worn it years ago, when he had dressed up like a pimp for a Halloween party. And he felt it would be perfect for today, with its bright colors.
Much to his relief, it was still there, albeit a tad wrinkled.
Then, he heard a knock at his door. "Come on in!" he said.
Charlie entered. "Good morning, sir. I didn't think you'd be awake this early."
"Well, I felt especially chipper this morning, Charlie." He handed his aide his outfit and said, "Could you get this ironed for me? I'd like to wear it today."
"This, sir?" Charlie asked incredulously.
"Okay," he replied slowly. He paused. "Are you kidding?"
Jed looked puzzled. "No."
"Okay." He walked out with the suit, wondering what the President was up to. Maybe it was April first and nobody told him.
But, whatever it was, Charlie figured it would be entertaining.
Later, in the Oval Office, the senior staff was waiting for the morning meeting to begin. Generally, they started at a prompt time. But, today, thanks to the mysterious absence of POTUS himself, they were all in some sort of limbo.
"What's going on?" Leo asked Charlie. "We can't sit around here all day," he said, remembering that today was 'Big Block of Cheese Day.'
"Yeah, we can," interjected Josh, also remembering that today was 'Big Block of Cheese Day.'
"Can it, Josh," Leo said dismissively, turning his attention back to Charlie. "Nothing's wrong, is it?"
"Um, not really," Charlie said hesitantly. "The President is still getting ready."
"What'd he do? Oversleep?"
"No...he just...wanted to look nice, so I had to get a suit of his pressed."
"He didn't have an unwrinkled suit?" CJ jumped in, sounding more than a little confused.
"Well," Charlie paused. "Um, this is a special suit."
"Special suit?" Josh smirked. "What, does it have protective powers? A laserbeam pack?"
Almost as if on cue, Jed entered the room wearing his pink suit, a new bouffant hairdo, and a huge grin. "Good morning, everyone!"
"Good morning, Mr. President," they mumbled, too in shock to express the greeting in a louder fashion.
"Perk up, everyone! Today is a beautiful day."
Leo gaped at his friend - he'd seen him act strange, but never *this* strange. "Sir, you didn't take any back medication this morning, did you?"
"No, sweetie!" Jed said with a bright smile. "My back feels great. But I appreciate your concern." He went over to Leo and hugged him.
And hugged him.
And hugged him.
The embrace was lingering way too long for Leo's taste. And for the taste of the staffers, all of whom felt like they were watching a prelude to a makeout session.
Josh leaned over to CJ. "I've never seen two guys hug this long. Outside of, you know, a gay porn movie." Off CJ's look of puzzlement, he continued, "Not that I've ever seen one." Off her look of skepticism, he said, "I haven't! And, if I did, I didn't like it that much."
Finally, Jed let Leo out of his embrace. "You're such a good man, Leo." He stroked the other man's cheek tenderly. "I couldn't have done any of this without you."
"Okay," Leo said slowly, growing uncomfortable with the sudden showering of affection.
"You are very, very," he paused, and his voice grew huskier, sexier, on the next set of words, "vital to me."
Josh, sensing that CJ wasn't interested in conversing with him, leaned over to Sam. "Shouldn't I have woken up from the dream by now?"
"This isn't a dream," Sam replied, "even if there is a surreal element to these events."
"How much longer is he going to stare at Leo and stroke his cheek?"
"It can't go on for much longer. Leo looks ready to run away."
And Sam was right, although Leo didn't quite run away. He just jumped back a few feet and tried to avoid the gaze of his friend.
"So, um, Josh," Leo began, "how's it looking on the new crime bill?" He walked to his seat, not noticing Jed's eyes watching his backside.
It was when Leo had just sat down, when Josh was saying, "Well--" that Jed spoke up abruptly.
"I never noticed what a great ass you have, Leo," Jed sighed appreciatively.
The room grew silent again, and Leo's face grew red. "Sir?" he choked out.
"Don't look so surprised. I'm sure you've been complimented on it before."
"I...I...I don't know!" Leo said.
"Oh, I do."
Sam, hoping to diffuse the strangeness between the two men, spoke up. "Mr. President, you certainly do smell fruity today."
"I don't think it's just his smell that's fruity," Toby grumbled under his breath.
"Thank you, Sam," Jed said brightly, even though the comment was arguably not a compliment. He looked back to Leo. "Leo, would you mind standing up and walking around for a little while?"
"No! I mean, yes, I would mind," Leo fumbled.
"But it's so *very* nice when it's in motion."
"Oh, Jesus Christ." Leo covered his face with both of his hands. "This joke isn't funny."
"I'm not joking. It is very nice--"
"Um," CJ spoke up, "Sir, I think it would be better if we had staff later. We're all, frankly, a little distracted by...recent events. So, I respectfully request that we be dismissed now." She looked hopefully at him, trying not to be distracted by his appearance.
"Sure, CJ. Anything for you. Anything for all of you. Especially anything for Le--"
"Let's go!" Leo yelled. He moved out of there as quickly as possible, trying to give Jed a bad view of his ass.
They all decided to confer in Leo's office.
And all of them didn't know what was going on.
"None of you have noticed anything strange before this?" Leo asked, and they all nodded in the negative. "None of this makes sense," he continued. "It's almost like he..." his voice drifted off, the words seeming too ridiculous to vocalize.
Luckily, Sam was there to pick up the ridiculous slack. "Woke up gay?" he offered.
"People don't just wake up gay," Toby scoffed.
"You can discover it suddenly, though," Josh said. "It was always there, under the surface, but suddenly, you realize why you've always felt different." Off his colleague's intrigued countenances, he said, "I don't know this from personal experience!"
CJ sighed. "Really, though, what are we going to do? We can't let him have meetings dressed like *that*! We can't have him segue from foreign policy to the supposed greatness of Leo's ass."
"Leo's ass is great," Josh replied. Once again, everyone stared at him. "Not that I ever looked at it. And if I did, it had no effect on me." Still, they stared, to which he replied, "I'm staying quiet for the rest of this meeting."
"Good idea," Leo nodded.
"I wonder what the First Lady will say," Sam wondered.
"I think, Spanky," CJ replied, "that she, like all of us will say, 'What the fu--'"
"CJ, calm down," Sam said.
"How can I calm down? I'm the one who will have to answer the questions about the President of the United States having an affair with his Chief of Staff!"
"I'm not having an affair with him," Leo said, more than a little horrified.
"You may as well with all the time he spends touching you and complimenting your ass."
"Shut up." She did, and Leo was silent for a while, considering what to do. "Okay, let's just cancel his appearances and meetings for today while we try to figure out how to handle this."
They all left him alone, and Leo was left to wonder what the hell they would do.
And if he had a good case for sexual harassment.
With the rest of his day empty, Jed was unsure what to do. He was full of energy, but had no way to expend it. He wouldn't mind expending it with Leo, but he seemed downright scared when Jed suggested it.
So, that plan was shot.
Then, he can up with the perfect way to spend his time - dancing!
He found one of his wife's old CD's and cranked it up on the stereo.
Then, Jed began to hop around happily to the bouncy beats. He sang along, the words perfectly describing his situation.
"You are a dancing queen..."
Leo could hear the strains of Abba loud and clear. And he was certain that his head was going to explode at any moment.
He wondered how this day could get any worse. Then, his question was answered as his door opened to reveal Donna and Margaret.
"You ask him," Margaret said.
"He's *your* boss," Donna countered. "You ask him."
"Somebody ask me, before I'm forced to throw both of you out of the building," Leo snapped.
They stared at each other for a while, with Donna finally speaking up.
"Well, we were wondering," Donna began. "We were...uh...we were wondering if you would stand up and turn around for us."
"What the hell for--" Then, it dawned on him. People were talking about what Jed said. "Who told you?"
"Josh," Donna replied. "He said the President said you had a nice ass, but that Josh's ass was even better."
"We both looked at Josh's ass," Margaret continued, "and now, we were wondering if we could see yours."
"For comparison's sake," Donna said, to which Margaret nodded.
"You're both crazy. Now get out of my office!" They turned to leave, to which he said, "Wait a minute." They turned back, and he added, "The President didn't say anything about Josh's ass."
"I should've know he was lying," Donna said with a shake of her head and a roll of her eyes. The women left, closing the door softly behind them.
Now, Leo figured, he would always have to wonder if people were staring at his ass. And he may always be assaulted with bad disco music.
But, on the bright side, at least Josh was probably being mocked right now.
That, without a doubt, was the day's silver lining.
Abbey returned from her trip around three that afternoon. She either expected Jed to be in a meeting or happily awaiting her return.
She didn't think he'd be too wrapped up in boogeying to notice her appearance.
"Jed?" she said questioningly.
"Hey, Abbey!" he said as he stopped dancing. "Nice to see you!" He gave her a friendly kiss on the cheek. "How was France? I hope you bought me some lush fabrics!"
"Lush fabrics? Um, no."
He pouted. "That's not fair."
"Jed, honey, are you feeling alright?"
She stared at him, and suddenly the epiphany came.
Her husband had woken up gay.
She had been kinda expecting it, with his closeness to Leo and his desire to periodically kiss him on the cheek. But she never figured it would happen. After all, waking up gay was very rare.
But, then again, Jed was always the special sort.
"Abbey, are you okay?" he asked with concern.
"Fine, Jed." She patted him on the arm.
He'd woken up gay, but it wasn't a tragedy. He deserved happiness, even if he had to wake up gay to find it.
Now, if only Leo would wake up gay. Then, everything would be perfect.
Leo tried his best to avoid going into the Oval Office, for fear of being groped. Not that groping was inherently a bad thing - but getting groped by Jed didn't really entice him.
But, when Abbey insisted he meet with her, he had to say yes.
After all, Abbey didn't want to grope him.
But what if she did? What if Jed and Abbey were going to gang up on him and grope him?
He shook his head. That was a chance he would have to take. And, anyway, maybe he could get some insight on the day's events.
When he entered, he was pleased to find Abbey alone.
"Good evening." He paused. "I suppose that you called me here to discuss...whatever's happening with him."
"Yes, I am." She paused. "He woke up gay."
"That's what Sam said." He sighed. "I shoulda known he'd be right one of these days."
"So, I think it's obvious that you should do it too."
"It's obvious. The two of you fit. He's not going to be *really* gay unless you're gay, too. It's like how one piece of the puzzle is made for the other, and without them, you can't really have symmetry."
Leo stared at her. He was convinced she'd gone stark raving mad. So, he yelled, "WHAT?"
"You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Well, don't worry. You will someday."
"Why has everyone gone insane today?" Leo snapped, exasperated. "The President of the United States is dancing to crappy music and commenting on my ass! Josh is lying about the President complimenting his ass! Donna and Margaret want to see my ass! And now, you're *acting* like an ass!"
Abbey seemed unfazed by his outburst. "It all comes back to ass, doesn't it?" she said coolly. "And soon, you'll be showing off that behind of yours." 'And Jed will be mighty pleased,' she thought, deciding not to say that particular idea out loud. Because, the way Leo looked, his head was liable to explode.
"Crazy!" Leo said, right before he stormed away.
Abbey watched him as he went, and she saw how right Jed was.
Oh, yes. In a few weeks time, Jed and Leo would be very happy indeed.
Naturally, politics being what it was, Jed had to hide his flamboyant tendencies. He was forced to give up 'loud' colors, at least outside the residence. He couldn't discuss his love of Judy Garland or Leo's ass. Or, for that matter, look lovingly at the aforementioned ass.
It wasn't that difficult, since Jed was very mindful of his political career. And, Abbey played the dutiful wife.
Nobody suspected anything, even when he peppered a speech with the word 'fabulous.' It did piss off Toby, but it certainly wouldn't be the first time he found himself in that position.
The only thing that bothered Jed about this new life was not having Leo by his side. In bed, that is. And not, you know, just standing by the side of his bed.
C'mon, you get the point, don't you?
But Abbey assured him that that would change.
And, as many times is the case, Abbey was right.
Exactly four weeks to the day of Jed waking up gay, he heard a knock at his bedroom door. Soft, almost musical.
When he answered, he was surprised to see Leo on the other side.
And he looked very...happy. Happy in a special way.
"Good morning, sunshine," Leo said with a smile.
Jed raised an eyebrow. "Leo...are you..."
"Yeah," he admitted. "I thought Abbey was crazy when she told me it'd happen to me too. But, I feel really really gay right now," he said, his bright visage reflecting his words.
"Maybe we should test that out," he replied with a smile. He leaned into Leo, kissing him softly. The feel of their lips pressed together heightened their passion, causing them to simultaneously deepen the kiss.
When they pulled apart, Jed whispered huskily in Leo's ear, "You have a really great ass."
With the same desire, Leo replied, "You do, too."
They kissed again, both of them happy to have woken up gay. Because, now, they could sleep together.
THE END --
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