Totle: He’s Come Undone
Author: Mela
Pairing: Sam Seaborn/Josh Lyman
Rating: CHILD for General, A for Angst
Spoilers: "Noel"; references to "The Midterms", "Galileo", and "In This White House"
Disclaimer: Aaron Sorkin owns them; I just give them angst...
Summary: Sam, in the thick of the events of "Noel"...
Notes: Okay, I had to write this... It's eight o'clock in the morning and my usual beta (Hi, Tana!) is still asleep and I just had to get this posted. But luckily, Janie (Hi, Janie!) was online, and thanks to her for the emergency beta! A really BIG thanks! (Yes, I did manage to catch my stupid "psychologist" when I actually meant "psychiatrist" mistake in my previous post -- Sheesh! I should pay someone to beta my comments posts!)

He’s Come Undone by Mela

"Did you know at this point, that there were people concerned about you?"

"I’m not really comfortable with that question."

He’s falling apart before my eyes.

It is so hard for me to say this...

I want to help him... I’ve tried to help him, but he won’t listen to me.

He talks in his sleep; that is, when he sleeps. Mostly he tosses and turns all night, and then tries to cover up the fact that he tosses and turns.

Finally, he just kicked me out of the bed.

His bed. Our bed.

Now I’m not sleeping, you know? Because I miss him.

God, I love him, but I don’t know what to do...

We don’t talk anymore.

I mean, we talk about work. We talk at work. We talk at work about work. But that’s all.

I can’t reach him anymore.

Maybe I did the wrong thing... I tried to get him to talk about what was going on with him.

Maybe I pushed him too much. Maybe I pushed him away.

I didn’t mean to push him away.

I just wanted to reach him, you know?

I wanted him to talk to me. Like we used to talk.

I wanted him to stop shutting me out, you know?

I thought he was getting better. I thought that because he was back at work, that he was getting better.

I thought that because he was making jokes about C. J. referring to "psychics at Cal Tech", or

that we could talk about suing West Virginia White Pride to pay for his medical bills that he was getting better.

I thought because we were making love again that he was getting better.

Maybe I’ve shut down about this whole thing with the shooting too. God knows I try not to think about it. I nearly lost him that night. I don’t like to think about that; I damned sure don’t like to talk about it.

But it comes out, you know? It comes out whenever anyone mentions anything to do with the gun lobby or the freaking 2nd amendment or the fucking right to bear arms, or when anyone mentions anything to do with guns. It comes out.

And it isn’t just me. Maybe we’ve all just repressed the whole thing and...

I’ve been surfing the net a lot lately. You know, trying to find out what’s going on with Josh.

Skimming a lot of psychology books... A lot of self-help books. And I read somewhere that in families where there’s a troubled child, it’s not just the child who’s in trouble; it’s the whole family. The troubled child just acts out whatever’s being repressed in the family. And it’s usually the brightest, most sensitive child who does the acting out. The child can’t put into words what’s going on; he just does it.

Obviously, my attempts at playing psychiatrist just made things worse, right?

Everybody here is repressing the whole thing. Toby is running around trying to singlehandedly destroy hate groups and the 2nd amendment and the rest of Constitution; I want to sue everyone in sight when I’m not flying off the handle; C.J. has retreated into amnesia about the whole thing; Donna has gone into Super-Mother-Hen mode - and she wasn’t even there! Charlie is distancing himself from Zoey; the President becomes obsessed with some stupid school election in New Hampshire...

We’re all sick, you know?

We’re all sick and we refuse to get help.

Josh is just acting out what none of us can face.

We can’t face the fact that some sick bastards shot at us, and nearly killed Josh.

It’s just too much, you know?

What kind of world do we live in when just dating someone can get you and your friends killed?

What kind of world do we live in?

There are times when I hate this world...

This is the twenty-first century; we’re supposed to be beyond all this, you know? We’re supposed to be living in some perfect world where no one cares about the color of your skin or what sex you prefer sleeping with, and we’re supposed to be colonizing Mars and the rest of the solar system, and we’re not there yet...

We’re not there yet.

And I hate that.

I hate this world we live in.

Sometimes I get so tired of trying to change it.

But if I don’t try to change it, who will?

If I give up now, they win.

The forces of evil win. The bastards that nearly killed Josh, that tried to kill Charlie and the President and Zoey and Toby and C.J. and me - they win.

But you know what? Maybe they’ve already won.

They’ve got us so scared to look at this thing, that we’re all running. We’re running scared, and the crazy part is we don’t even know it.

No, Josh knows it.

And it’s killing him.

They’ve won.

They’re going to finally kill him and there’s not a damned thing I can do to save him.

I have to stand here and watch the life bleed out of him, and I can’t do a damned thing to save him.

Oh God, someone’s got to save him...

Please God, save Josh...

I can’t lose him, you know... Not after all this... You can’t let him go like this...

You can’t let him die like this. Because I’d have rather you let him die from that bullet than let him die like this...

You’ve got to stop this...

You’ve got to save him...

Because I love him.

Please, God... Tell me there’s something you can do to save him...

*********

(the end)

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