Author: Emily
Title: Hear You Me
Email: maorge@aol.com
Archive: Sure
Rating: PG. Sort of slashy, but nothing naughty.
Disclaimer: Aaron's, not mine. I'm too mean to have them. I'd play with them too much, and wouldn't share. Also, the song is called Hear You Me (note the original fic title) and it belongs to Jimmy Eat World and their people, whoever they may be.
Pairing: Josh/Sam
Spoilers: AU fic set after WKODHIB
Summary: "He's gone, Sam. He left." Toby's voice is trembling. I want to answer him, I want to tell him you would never leave, but I don't think that's true.
Notes: Character Death. So if you're looking for a happy uplifting fic, then this really isn't it :)

Hear You Me by Emily

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud,
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.


And I stand here, above you. Though I know it's not really you. Though I know your essence, you mind, your soul, have parted with your being.

They all parted with me.

You gave me so much. You gave me courage, strength. You reinstated the dignity I had lost. I never said thank you for that.

Your Mom was here. I think she still is, she's staying with Leo. She, she never cried, Josh. I could see in her eyes that this had destroyed and cracked her entire self, but she didn't cry. She stood there, next to Leo and Jenny, and she looked straight at me, and I saw the desolation and the destruction inside her. I could see it in myself. I guess that's how I recognised it.

CJ guessed. About us. She came over the night after, and she just held me. And she told me she had known pretty much since it began. She told me she was glad were both happy. And she cried, and so did I.

But you hated crying. That night, when you told me about Joanie, you cried, and you hated yourself for crying. You thought it made you weak. But you were so strong. You were the strongest person I ever knew. So I held you, and I told you that. I thought I'd tell you again. You were stronger than I'll ever be. I guess you get it off your Mom.

May angels lead you in,
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go,
May angels lead you in.

So here I stand. I stopped crying after that night. I thought you'd feel better if you knew I was ok. I'm ok, Josh. I'm just happy I ever met you. If I hadn't, I would probably be screwing people at some law firm, watching the funeral on the TV with no emotion, wondering why people cared. You rescued me. I was so lucky and blessed to ever find you. And I care so much it hurts. I'm ok.

I want to thank you. I'm not sure if it'll work, because I don't know where you are. I can't find you. I was so lucky to find you then, but I can't find you anymore. I'll never find you again. So I'm just going to say it and pray that you hear. You said you'd always listen, and I trust you with my life.

I was meeting an old friend from Duke the other day. She vaguely knew I worked in Washington, and she asked me if I knew you. I knew you. How I knew you. I am proud to be able to say, "I knew Josh Lyman. He was the greatest man I knew." I'm going to say it for the rest of my life, Josh. Because I knew you, and I loved you, and I care, and it hurts, and I'm going to cry if I don't stop soon, but I can't leave you, Josh. I can never leave you and let you go.

You were the greatest man I knew, Josh Lyman. And I loved you. I hate how that seems to come as an after thought. The first thing I think of is how I loved you, and I how privileged I was and still am.

I love you, Josh Lyman. And you were the greatest man I knew. I'll keep on loving you, because I'll never let go of you. And I'm sorry if that seems weird, or clingy, or weak, but I love you, and that can't change. I can't change it, and I don't want to change it. It would hurt less if it changed. But I don't want it to change.

I keep remembering the night before the thing happened, and how I held you, and kissed you, and felt you shift beneath me. And I saw you. And you were breathing, and you were alive.

You were breathing and alive, and I want so desperately for you to be breathing and alive again.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

I want you and I love you, and I think I need you. No, I know I need you, and I want to hold you. I saw you after the doctors told us, and it wasn't you. It was your skin, and your flesh, and your hair, but your eyes were closed, and your face was so cold. And I cried for you to breathe, to please breathe. Toby held my hand as I kissed you goodbye. And he kissed you too, and he cried too. We were so lucky, Josh, and we are so proud. But strong? I'm trying to be strong, but I think I'm failing. I can feel the tears in my eyes, and I can't see, but I can't see you anyway, so what's the point? Toby has one hand on my shoulder. I think he's telling me it's time to leave, but I can't leave. I can't leave you. Please don't leave me.

"He's gone, Sam. He left." Toby's voice is trembling. I want to answer him, I want to tell him you would never leave, but I don't think that's true, and I can't talk anyway. There's something in my mouth, and I think it could be a scream or a cry, or a yell. Any kind of sound. Any kind of anguish. Please come back.

"He's not coming back, Toby?" It is a question, but I think it's a statement. My voice is shaking.

Toby shakes his head. His hand takes mine. "He's not coming back, Sam." And this time it's definitely a statement.

You're not coming back.

I'm sorry I cried. And I love you. I won't leave you.

"Thank you, Joshua Lyman," I whisper, but it's barely even that loud. I want to kiss you, show you that I love you, but I don't know what to kiss. I can't kiss you. Oh God, I can't kiss you, and I can't see you, and you're not breathing, and I am.

I allow Toby to guide me away from you. I'm not going to say goodbye, because you always thought that was too final. I remember how you once held my arm before I got on a train, and just looked at me, because we didn't need words. My arm's tingling Josh, and I can still feel you. I can't look at you, but I can feel you.

And I guess that'll have to be enough.

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go,
May angels lead you in.

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