Archive: This list, and my website (whenever I get one!)
Pairing: Leo McGarry/John Hoynes
Summary: The relationship, from Leo’s point of view
Disclaimers: I don’t own them, Aaron Sorkin does, but I love writing about them...
Tana, this one is for you.
Falling by Mela
Do you know what the word "falling" means?
I looked it up in the dictionary my daughter Mallory gave me. Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition. Mallory gave it to me because she heard about the night that I and the rest of the inmates here were playing poker with the President of the United States, and he asked us to name the three words in the English language that begin with the letters "DW".
Dwarf, Dwell, and Dwindle, in case you didn’t know.
"There are four," Mallory said. "You left out ‘dweeb’"
I refused to believe that ‘dweeb’ was a word since it wasn’t in my dictionary. I should say, dictionaries. I’ve got a million of the damned things, and you’d think that a guy who knows the correct spelling of "Khadaffi" would know that, yes, ‘dweeb’ is now considered a real word.
I love words. I love looking up the meaning of them. Jed has his national parks; I’ve got my words.
I don’t really remember when I first thought to look it up. But this morning I rushed to the dictionary to look up the word "falling".
Because this morning I thought, "I’m falling in love with John Hoynes."
I never knew that the word "falling" had so many pejorative meanings.
"To drop oneself to a lower position."
"To become lower in degree or volume."
"To become lowered."
"To stumble or to stray."
"To suffer ruin or defeat."
"To commit an immoral act." (God, I could think of a few people who’d have a field day with that one!)
"To decline in quality."
And then finally, near the end, comes the meaning "To pass suddenly into a new state or condition <~ in love >." Well, it’s about time, I thought.
I contemplated those words for a while.
"To pass suddenly into a new state or condition."
After contemplating those words, and possibly my navel, I decided, "to hell with it."
It wasn’t going to help me figure out my feelings for John Hoynes.
Did I love him or not? Why was I making things so complicated?
God knows I desired him. But even that was complicated... No, not complicated; it’s just that if you’d told me a year ago that I’d be sleeping with the Vice President of the United States I’d have either drop kicked you into the next state or laughed you out of the country.
Not that I haven’t slept with a man before.
Okay, maybe fooling around with Jed Bartlet in college doesn’t count. I really don’t think that a mutual stroke session back in freshman year counts (Okay, maybe it was two sessions), and it wasn’t like we became lovers. Jesus, the idea of sleeping with a man never even occurred to me until I met John Hoynes.
No, that’s wrong. I never thought of sleeping with John when I met him.
We disliked each other. And anyone who throws that crap out about there being "a thin line between love and hate" can go fuck themselves.
I really disliked John. I thought it was because he was one of those "lesser of who-gives-a-damn" candidates...
I was wrong.
I disliked him because Jed disliked him.
It’s my fatal flaw... My friends’ friends are my friends, and my friends’ enemies are my enemies.
And John’s no angel... He was damned pissed at me for "stealing Josh Lyman" from his campaign, and he was damned pissed at Jed for taking away what John saw as his chance at the White House...
And despite all that, when my marriage was falling apart, and I was totally clueless as to how it happened, he offered me his friendship.
If I had been in his place, I don’t think I could have done it.
I can still see those blue eyes of his, looking at me with genuine concern as he asked me if I was okay. If I was still going to my meetings, and asking me to come to his.
If I’d been in his place, I KNOW I couldn’t have done it. I hold a grudge like nobody’s business.
I went, but I didn’t trust him. I didn’t want to trust him.
Because if I trusted him, then it meant that for the first time Jed and I would be on opposite sides.
No, worse than that.
It meant that Jed would be on one side and John on the other side, and I would be right in the middle.
"To pass suddenly into a new state or condition."
The first night John and I were together... How the hell can I describe it? Tense, intense, incredible, erotic...
I have never known need like that before.
And I needed him.
How the hell did I end up getting him?
Look at the man; he’s gorgeous...
I love his eyes. Ice blue eyes. Sometimes I call him "blue eyes"; sometimes "handsome" or "baby". I think I slipped and called him "babe" once, and he politely reminded me that he was not a cute little pig.
I was very tempted to call him "piglet."
Sometimes, right when I know he’s on the verge of cumming, I say, "Do you like that, sailor?"
It’s all he can do to keep from cumming his brains out.
I like having that kind of power over him.
God, maybe power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
I love it when he cums. I love it when I feel his body - pardon the pun - stiffen, and I know he’s going to cum. When I’m holding his cock in my hand, I feel it throb, and John starts moaning my name continuously.
His voice gets so low, a whisper, really, and then he just says my name over and over and over again, until it gets louder, until that moment when he’s about to cum and he nearly screams out my name, and I feel his cock throbbing in my hand and his body, his beautiful body shudders against mine, and then he cums...
All over my hand, all over the sheets.
Did I mention that I’m fucking him while this is going on?
Having my cock inside of him while he’s cumming - hell, even before then, just fucking him. Pleasuring him, pleasuring myself....
If I’d known that sleeping with him was going to be so incredible, I’d have done it sooner. I wouldn’t have wasted all that time fighting with him.
No, that’s not true.
We both like to be right, and we both like to win. So the political arguments are inevitable.
Thank god that all goes right out the window when were in bed together.
How can I argue with him when he’s lying in bed, curled up in the sheets, touching his cock in his sleep?
I watch him for a while, listening to the sound of my own breathing and the rain against the windows.
It’s about three in the morning, and he’s sound asleep, and it usually takes a bomb to wake him up, but when I finally climb into bed and kiss him, he stirs.
"Shh... It’s just me, handsome," I say. "Go back to sleep..."
"No... I want you... I need you..." he moans.
"Looks like you were doing fine without me."
I get in next to him and just hold him. He goes back to sleep. Sometimes I just want to hold him. To just be near him. That gives me pleasure as well. Sometimes it’s the beginning of all my worries. There have only been two people that I have truly loved in my life - Jenny, and now John.
Things didn’t work out with Jenny, and I’m terrified that they won’t work out with John.
A.A. teaches us to change the things we can change and to accept those that we can’t. But acceptance doesn’t lessen the pain.
Right now, though, while I’m holding him as he sleeps, I only want to think about the pleasure of this incredible moment for as long as it lasts.
I don’t know how many of these moments we have allotted to us, but I promise that I will accept them with humility and gratitude.
Okay, enough with the romantic stuff.
God knows that I can be mushy and sentimental for the both of us, but first thing in the morning, I want what I want.
I can be a demanding man.
And right now, my cock is sending Morse code to my brain saying, "I want sex."
I can almost see the smile on John’s face as I’m kissing his shoulder. My hand is touching his chest, caressing a nipple, and he puts his hand over mine.
"And a good morning to you, too," he says.
He turns over. Yes, he is smiling mischievously at me. Lights are dancing in those blue eyes.
"Oh, it hasn’t even begun to be good," I say. Then I cover his mouth with mine.
He moans into my mouth, and I slide my tongue between his lips.
I gasp into his mouth as I feel his hand grasp my cock and stroke it. "Are you trying to kill me?" I moan. "Not yet," he says. I grasp his hardening shaft and start to stroke it. He moans.
"All’s fair in love and war," I whisper into his ear.
"Yes, but we’re fucking..."
"Then it’s doubly fair." He answers me with a moan and a lifting of his hips.
"Down, sailor," I whisper. I feel a shiver go through him. He moans again, and I feel his fingers relax slightly on my cock.
He turns his head against my chest, and he whispers, "Oh God, Leo, you make me... Oh God..."
I run my thumb against his shaft as I stroke him. "Now, I’m sure they taught you how to control yourself in the navy, sailor..."
"Oh God... Leo don’t..." he gasps. "You don’t... Oh God..."
"You don’t think I don’t know what saying that does to you? You underestimate me, Commander Hoynes. I thought they taught you sailors better at Annapolis..."
And as I’m saying this, I’m stroking his cock, and that beautiful body is writhing at my touch.
He turns his head and buries his face against my chest. He kisses my skin and moans, "Leo, please..."
"Please... Please, fuck me..." he moans.
I let go of his shaft and he moans. He looks up expectantly at me, and I kiss his mouth once more. Hotly. Passionately.
He breaks the kiss, and trails kisses down my neck. I turn over onto my back and he kisses his way down my chest. I stroke his dark hair as he kisses his way down my stomach. I can feel that familiar tightening in my groin as he makes his way down to my cock.
I grasp a handful of that dark hair in my hand as he takes my cock in my mouth.
"John... John..." I moan. I raise my hips.
He sucks at me. I run my fingers through his hair, caress his neck, those strong shoulders. Arching my body on the bed.
I nearly scream as he takes that mouth of his off my cock, and I hear him whisper, "Do you like that, Leo?"
"Jesus, John, do you want a spanking?" I moan.
He chuckles, and I swear I hear him say, "I could like that," before he starts again.
Sucking, licking, stroking... Hands, mouth, all over me... Teasing me, making me harder. So hard that if he keeps on...
He raises his head again.
"Leo... Fuck me... Fuck me... NOW..."
I smile and give a little moan. I hold my arms out for him.
He’s over me, and we’re kissing, tongues sliding into the other’s mouth...
We’re wrestling and he may be younger and taller, but nothing beats experience...
He’s on his stomach, and my lips are buried in his hair, then in the crook of his neck, and he turns his head to kiss me, and he whispers, "Hurry..."
"Shh..." I whisper back, but my body is already obeying his urgent request, and I’m positioning myself over him...
We both moan as I slide into him and I feel him turn his head and see him bite the pillow as he thrust back against me. I bury my mouth in his hair, moaning against his scalp as I thrust into him. My hands are grasping at his flesh as my mouth feverishly kisses his hair, the side of his face... His hands reach back to press me against him...
My hand reaches down and under him to continue stroking him. I feel him shudder and he moans "God... Leo... Leo... Oh Leo... Yes... Yes... Oh Yessss..."
I fuck him harder. Trying my damnedest to punch a hole through him and into the sheets. Trying my damnedest to make us one body, to press my soul into his...
"God..." he moans. "I love you... I love you, Leo... I love you... "
I can feel my body shake at his words. My hand grasps his cock harder, and he trembles beneath me. He cums, moaning into the pillows.
I cum not long after him. My face buried against his, moaning his name.
I feel his hand come up and stroke my face... Stroking past my ear, down to my neck, his fingers grasping my shoulder. Caressing me, holding me against him as I tremble against his body.
We lie there, and for a time, we are one body, one breath, one soul.
Do you know what the word "falling" means?
I listen to the rain falling against the window pane...
I feel my lover’s chest rise and fall against my hand as I hold him... I feel a soft lock of hair fall against my cheek as I lean over and kiss him...
"I love you, John," I whisper.
"To pass suddenly into a new state or condition..." Yeah, that about sums it up.
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