Standard Boring Disclaimer: Sam, Josh, and Toby don't belong to me and neither do any other West Wing characters mentioned in this piece of fiction. They belong to their creator Aaron Sorkin, NaBisCo, and Warner Brothers. I meant no infringement.
Abandonment by Red
"I feel like crap," Sam Seaborn muttered to himself as he rested his heavy head on his folded arms.
From behind his desk, Josh Lyman smirked at the man draped on the edge of his desk. "Yeah, well, you look like crap too, you know." His smirk melted into a grin as his best friend raised his head enough to glare at him with cloudy blue eyes, seemingly unaware of how unthreatening a dark look from those eyes was.
"You're a real pal, you know that Josh?" he mumbled, dropping his head back down with a sniffle. "One of your groupies gets drunk and attacks me, and for that I get mauled by her jealous line-backer boyfriend, not to mention the cold I caught from the little - "
Josh held up a halting hand, shaking his head and smirking again. "Nah, ah, ah, you don't want to be tarnishing that boyish innocence of yours by calling names, now do you?" he teased. He suppressed a chuckle as his best friend muttered obscenities into his folded arms. "Besides, was it her fault that the booze lowered her inhibitions, and that you're just too damn pretty?"
Slowly Sam's head raised again until his eyes came to just above his forearms. "I'm not pretty," he defended lowly. It was a sore spot for him, being called pretty. He'd suffered through his entire life being called "pretty-boy", "fruit", or "candy-ass". He really didn't want to hear it coming from his best friend, even if it was in the form of a joke.
"Sam, you're *freakishly* pretty, can we just get that straight?" Josh laughed. He stopped at the look in Sam's eyes. He realized he had tripped a wire, and decided to back off for once. "You can press charges, you know. The guy sent you to the hospital; you don't have to let him get away with that."
The former lawyer shook his head and laid it back down on his arms. "Leo would never let me - not for two bruised ribs and a bruised jaw. It would have too much damaging potential for the campaign."
"Yeah I know," Josh replied softly, biting his lip. "It was just an idea." He knew it was more than that, more than a simple assault in a bar. Sam was being sucked dry by the Governor and Leo McGarry. He was close to running on fumes, he had left his entire life behind him, and other than Josh, he had no one to relate to, no one to confide in. "Have you heard from Lisa recently?" he asked uncomfortably. At least Lisa, despite Josh's dislike of her, could cheer Sam up.
His question seemed to have the opposite effect than he'd hoped as Sam's shoulders and back tensed. "Yeah, I heard from her," the young man whispered, nearly incoherently.
Josh licked suddenly dry lips, seeing a clearer picture of what was troubling his friend. "And?" he prompted.
"It's over," Sam mumbled, and Josh could hear the tears in his voice. "She called last night, when
I got back to the hotel. She's leaving me."
"Oh," Josh replied. "I'm sorry Sam."
Sam straightened and Josh was surprised to see his eyes dry, however lost they seemed. "Yeah, so am I. Look, I need some air. I think I'll walk back to the hotel. If Toby comes looking for me, tell him the draft is on my desk."
Josh nodded and watched Sam stand. "Yeah, sure buddy." The younger man slowly left the room and Josh sighed, wondering if it had been a mistake dragging his friend from his perfect life to help run Bartlet's campaign.
"Josh?" He looked up as Donna popped her head in his office door. "Leo wants the new polling figures. He said Sam said that you had them."
Nodding, Josh searched for the report amidst the chaos of his desk, momentarily forgetting Sam's plight.
Sprawled on the bed of his hotel room, Toby downed the last of the vodka in the small bottle from the mini bar and let it fall to the carpeted floor with a dull thud. He was exhausted, he was wiped out, and he was quickly reaching a completely plastered state. And yet he still couldn't sleep.
Rolling onto his side, he stared at the glowing digital clock. It was only 1:00. He groaned. It felt like it was already 5:00. At least if it had been 5:00 he could have gotten up and returned to work without fear of being hassled by the Governor's wife.
He flopped back onto his back and pondered over the situation. He had few options, he knew. He could stay in bed and try futilely to sleep until dawn, he could drink himself into a drunken stupor and suffer the consequences in the morning, or he could turn on CNN and argue with the talking heads.
Opting for the least damaging of time-killers (if you ignored what it said about his state of mind that he could stay up all night yelling at a TV), Toby fumbled for the remote on the nightstand.
He prayed the hotel had cable.
It didn't. He switched the TV off in disgust. "What's the matter with you people?" he shouted at the now-blank screen. "How can you not offer cable? How could they put a presidential campaign staff member in a hotel without CNN?"
A knock on the adjoining door to his room startled him from his tirade. Blinking, he rolled out of the bed, trying to remember who was in the neighboring room while at the same time feeling thankful for the distraction. He opened the door and was not surprised to find Sam on the other side gazing back at him sleepily. He and Sam often were given adjoining rooms so they could work on speeches and statements all night if needed. He should have remembered.
Sam glanced over Toby's shoulder and narrowed his eyes when he realized the room was empty save for his boss. "Who were you yelling at, Toby?" he asked wondering if whoever it had been had fled the room after Toby's bellowing. He wouldn't have blamed him or her. An angry Toby was not something most people could handle in the early morning.
Shrugging, Toby let go of the doorknob and turned back to his room, heading for the bed and hoping Sam would recognize the invitation. "The hotel doesn't offer cable," he answered shortly, glancing back and restraining a smile as he watched Sam follow him into his room, closing the door behind him. While he and Sam hadn't initially gotten along at all, he was starting to genuinely like the younger man. And any company was better than none - or at least better than the booze he had been ready to turn to.
"I know," Sam replied, apparently choosing not to comment on having caught the older man shouting at an inanimate object as if it were alive. "I tried to watch CNN earlier, after I left headquarters, but I couldn't get it."
Toby smirked. They were all pathetic CNN-addicts, though he himself would never admit to it out loud. "Why are you still awake? Josh told me you were catching a cold and that's why you left early." Toby watched as Sam paced the room warily. He didn't blame him for being a bit uncomfortable. They never socialized together, other than drinks with the rest of the campaign staff. Theirs was a strictly working relationship.
With a start, he realized Sam had stopped his nervous wanderings in front of the window and now stared vacantly outside. "Sam?" he called again. "What's wrong?"
Instead of gaping or teasing Toby for his seemingly uncharacteristic worry for another human being, Sam nonchalantly accepted the concern as if it were something he was used to from his boss. He seemed to know that calling Toby on it would only guarantee never experiencing the same behavior again. "Lisa left me," was the soft reply. Sam turned back to him, his expression distant. "She couldn't take coming in second anymore. It was too much for her that I always put the campaign before our relationship."
Toby shook his head, all too familiar with what Sam was going through. "That's why you're not sleeping. Suddenly you can't sleep without her being in bed next to you." He met Sam's sad blue eyes with his own tired brown.
Moving slowly Sam came to sit with him on the end of the bed, resting his elbows on his knees and hiding his face in his hands. A sigh ran through his slim frame. "Was it like this with you and Andrea?" he asked quietly, the words muffled by his hands.
"We went through the same situation, only it was both of us that were neglecting our marriage for the sake of campaigns."
Sam nodded thoughtfully, sympathizing with him. "And after the campaigns? You couldn't find a way back to each other?"
It was Toby's turn to sigh as he rested his own arms on his thighs, staring down at his folded hands. He began shaking his head, realized Sam couldn't see him, and stopped. "No," he murmured. "The damage had already been done. And there was always going to be another campaign, another convention. We both knew that."
"Oh," Sam muttered his shoulders slumping a little in dejection as the last of his hope leaked from his voice.
Toby turned his head and watched the young man carefully. It was strange, almost surreal, to see the normally vibrant man reduced to this. Even when he was completely exhausted, staring defeat in the eye, Sam could always be counted on to dredge up some energy and optimism from somewhere - it was what kept the rest of the staff going sometimes. Now… now Toby wondered if he were running on empty.
Surprisingly, the thought saddened him significantly. Despite his initial dislike and mistrust of the lawyer, he had grown to enjoy and respect him in his own way. And after Andrea, when he had begun looking at women - and men - again, he couldn't help but find Sam appealing. It wasn't only the breath-taking beauty, but the combination of the innocent naivete, the shocking brilliance, and gentle compassion that drew him in.
"Do you still miss her at night?" Sam asked, dropping his hands and gazing up at Toby, pulling the older man's attention back to their conversation.
Toby swallowed hard. His musings had left him without defenses and confronted by those blue eyes… "Yeah, when the day's been hard and there's no one to come back to at night, and no one waiting by the phone at home, I start wishing I had her to hold. That won't start to fade for a long time, I think." He cleared his throat, relieved when Sam looked away thoughtfully.
Silence held the room in its lonesome grip until Sam finally spoke up again. "What if you had someone to come back to at night… would that help?" He turned sparkling eyes on Toby once more, searching for a way to cope.
"I don't know. I haven't ever tried it," Toby admitted slowly. "I haven't found the right person I guess. I haven't found a person I can trust with that," he continued, anticipating Sam's next question.
"You're afraid of being left again, of being abandoned," Sam guessed, knowing they shared that particular fear. "But what if you found someone who's been abandoned before, someone less likely to leave you because they were in your situation too?"
"You making a pass at me, Princeton?" Toby growled teasingly, a smirk lifting the corners of his mouth. Their eyes met as Sam laughed, the mood in the room lightening, and Toby thought he saw something there in the blue orbs, something that was actually thinking over what he had said, considering it.
Maybe it was the booze, or the late hour, or his lowered defenses, but Toby found himself suddenly leaning in and brushing his lips against Sam's. It was meant to be a brief kiss, just to give them both something to think about. But Sam's lips were so soft, and so warm, and so welcoming. And Sam wasn't pulling away.
Slowly, cautiously, Toby slid closer, leaning over Sam's body as he brought one hand up to cup a delicate cheek, his other hand supporting himself on the other side of Sam's legs. He added a little pressure to the kiss, smiling against Sam's mouth when it dragged a moan from the back of the younger man's throat.
When he pulled back finally, putting an inch or two between them, he smiled again. Sam's eyes opened, their blue depths dazed and cloudy. He licked his lips, staring into Toby's dark, secretive eyes. Toby's smile widened as he felt one of Sam's arms wrapping around his shoulders, the other winding around his waist, relying on him to support them both.
They closed the distance between them, their lips meeting more passionately the second time around, the hesitance from moments before forgotten. Gently, Toby relaxed his arm, letting them fall back onto the bed, the older man sliding on top of Sam, taking control over the kiss. Sam's arms clutched him tighter, pulling him closer as Toby gained access to his mouth, plundering its depths.
Sam whimpered as they separated again for air. "To… Toby, what are we doing?" he gasped, breathless and overwhelmed.
Toby lifted himself up a little and scooted them both up so Sam lay with his head on the pillows.
"We're making sure we're not abandoned again," he murmured back, planting soft kisses in a trail from Sam's ear to the hollow of his throat.
Moaning, Sam ran his hands down Toby's back then back up, sneaking beneath the older man's sweatshirt to slide over bare skin. "I've never… I've never… with another man…" he whispered, gripping Toby's shoulders hard when his boss' lips traveled down to the neck of his tee shirt.
Raising his head to look down at Sam, Toby stroked a thumb over his cheek, down to his jaw as he smiled softly. "Don't worry. I won't do anything you're not comfortable with."
Sam laughed, deep and throaty, raising up long enough to kiss Toby briefly. "I'm not uncomfortable Toby, I'm just saying…" He shook his head, at a loss. "I'm not gay. Or at least, I've never even thought about other men… until now, with you." He knew he had made himself completely vulnerable to the other man and he bit his lip, gazing into the chocolate eyes, praying not to get hurt again.
"God Sam," Toby whispered back before descending and claiming Sam's mouth as his. Their tongues danced inside Sam's hot depths, and they both groaned as desire coursed through them.
"I want… you… so bad," he mumbled between kisses, his fingers threading into Sam's dark hair.
"Then take me," Sam whispered, a seductive little smile twitching at his lips and his eyes
gleaming with lust.
"Oh God," Toby groaned. They stared at each other for another moment before Toby started pulling at Sam's shirt, growling deep in his chest. He grasped the hem of the gray tee and pulled upwards swiftly, taking care to be gentle as Sam raised his arms to allow it to pass over his head.
Tossing the shirt to the side of the bed, Toby ran his hands slowly over Sam's bare chest, reveling in the feel of his warm skin under his fingers. "You're beautiful," he told the younger man, punctuating his words with a soft kiss. One thumb finding a nipple and stroking, eliciting a moan from Sam. "You like that, hmm?" His eyes half-lidded, Toby slid down Sam's body, planting kisses as he went, paying particular attention to Sam's collarbone while studiously ignoring the bruising over Sam's ribs. Focusing on his right nipple, he kissed it tenderly and drew back to blow lightly over the damp skin, watching with satisfaction as the nub became taut.
"Toby…" Sam sighed, closing his eyes as the pleasure he felt crashed through his mind. Nothing had ever felt this good before. Not one to remain inactive for long, Sam pulled Toby's sweatshirt over his head, giving him more access. He ran his fingertips lightly over his shoulders, down his spine and out over his ribs, his lips curling when Toby rumbled his pleasure.
Toby switched to the neglected left nipple, his hands exploring the rest of Sam's abdomen, stroking his pectorals and trailing down his rib cage with care to the flat belly. "Damn you're skinny," he muttered, looking up at the other men. "Don't we feed you? I swear you're smaller than CJ or Donna," he teased.
Laughing, Sam shook his head, reaching down to trace his fingertips over Toby's face, memorizing every contour and detail. "Don't let CJ or Donna hear you say that. Besides, I make up for it elsewhere," he leered, wiggling his eyebrows.
It was Toby's turn to laugh as he moved up far enough to kiss Sam soundly. "Are you this much of a tease with all the men you lure into your bed?" he breathed, grinning.
Sam rolled his eyes and then let them shut as he felt Toby's hands wandering towards the button on his jeans. "Only with you, Tobe, only with you. Besides, this is your bed and I think *you* were the one doing the luring."
Unbuttoning Sam's jeans and slowly going to work on the zipper, treasuring every moment, every touch, Toby arched an eyebrow. "Who showed up at whose door?" he asked mischievously.
Sam was having a hard time focusing on the conversation as his zipper was slowly pulled down, leaving him almost breathless in anticipation. He still didn't know quite what to expect, but he did know that he wanted Toby badly. And he was sure Toby could see that by now.
Indeed Toby could. Hooking his fingers in the belt loops, Toby tugged impatiently, pulling the jeans down past Sam's slim hips and over his thighs. He had to force himself to take the time to pull them all the way off to avoid future obstacles before turning to the real object of interest. He could plainly see the line of Sam's considerable erection through the straining material of the white boxer-briefs. Licking his lips, he looked up Sam.
"If I didn't know any better Sam, I would think that you might want something from me," he murmured, shooting the other man a dark, sultry look. Sam's whimper inspired a chuckle and a shake of the head from him as he gazed back down at his prize. Cautiously, he traced the shaft's length through the fabric, watching as it twitched in response, hardening even more. "Damn Sam, you weren't kidding," he mumbled, half to himself.
"Toby please," Sam moaned, shifting his hips beneath Toby, biting his lip.
The older man looked up again, eyeing the desperate, passion-fogged look in Sam's usually clear blue eyes. He knew they weren't going to be timid tonight. Smiling, he undid his own jeans and stripped them and his boxers off before doing the same for Sam. Thrilling at the touch of bare skin on bare skin everywhere their bodies connected, Toby let out a long, drawn out sigh as he lowered for a kiss.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked when he pulled away, waiting for Sam's eyes to open. He saw so much there, so much emotion, that he shuddered.
Sam opened his mouth to respond and choked on his words, groaning as their erections pressed together between their bodies. "Yes Toby," he moaned. "Yes, yes, yes."
Grinning, Toby made his way down Sam's body once more, his gaze devouring the tan skin he passed over, burning a mental image into his mind that he could always treasure. Damn him if Sam wasn't gorgeous. Just the sight of him lying beneath him, eyes half-lidded, lips parted, aroused Toby beyond belief. God, it had never been like this with Andrea…
Softly, his touch fleeting, Toby traced the head of Sam's cock with his index finger before dragging it lightly down the shaft, coming around to trace the vein. His thumb swiped over the head and he watched, pleased, as the shaft jolted.
"Toby, don't tease," Sam pleaded above, his voice a breathy whimper that sent shivers down Toby's spine.
Only too willing to comply, he wrapped his hand firmly around the base and took the head in his mouth, his tongue going to work, swirling and stroking just how he knew Sam would want it. Slowly he eased his lips down the shaft, his free hand wandering until it met the heavy balls underneath. He drew back when Sam moaned loudly, his hips jerking uncontrollably. He didn't want Sam to come just yet.
Slithering back up Sam's body, Toby propped himself up on his elbows and stared down at Sam's flushed features. Slowly the vivid blue eyes cracked open and met his hungry gaze lazily. Toby sighed, burying one hand in Sam's hair, loving the way the silky strands wound around his fingers. "You're such a turn on," he groaned, grinning and shaking his head.
Sam let out a startled bark of laughter, wriggling beneath Toby, feeling the other man's hard cock press against him. The older man certainly didn't have anything to be embarrassed about. "Well *something's* gotten you all hot and bothered, so why don't you shut up and do something about it already?" he suggested, flashing dimples as he allowed one hand to slip between their bodies and give Toby an encouraging caress.
Shivering in pleasure, Toby brushed his lips over Sam's softly, looking him in the eye. "You're sure?" He knew it would be Sam's first time with a man, he desperately wanted to avoid forcing anything on Sam that the younger man might later regret.
Rolling his eyes, Sam nodded, running his free hand over Toby's ass lightly. "I want you in me, Toby…" He trailed off as the other man began rotating his hips against his in response, teasing him. He gasped, his head rolling back on the pillow and his eyes drifting shut. He didn't know anything like that could feel so good. "Toby, please," he whimpered deep in his throat. "Please take me."
Rumbling low in his chest, Toby lowered his head and kissed Sam soundly, hungrily devouring the other man's mouth as he forced his lips open with his questing tongue. Both of his hands clutched at Sam's hair desperately as coherent thought left him and his hips started thrusting on their own accord. He broke away, panting. "We'll need something to prepare you with," he breathed, his motions not ceasing. It felt too good to stop even for a second.
Sam groaned, eyes still shut. "L… lotion… bath… room," he gasped breathlessly. It was amazing how quickly they'd both lost all control and it was enough to blow his mind. He bit his lip and begged Toby silently to hurry.
With one last deep kiss, Toby pulled away from Sam's body reluctantly and rolled off the bed.
Before his feet even touched the ground he was tearing across the room to reach the bathroom, surprising even himself that he didn't trip over anything in his haste and break his neck. Coming to a stop in the cold tile room, he searched frantically for the complimentary lotion as his body yearned again for Sam's touch. He shivered as he grasped the desired bottle. He had never intended it to go this far, and he had never expected it to be this… this good.
He was sure he could have won an Olympic medal for how fast he returned to the bed, jumping into it, and it still wasn't enough. "You took too long," Sam croaked, eyeing him accusingly.
Chuckling, Toby maneuvered himself between Sam's bent legs, unscrewing the cap of the lotion. He squirted a small amount on his fingers and pushed Sam's legs up further for better access. "Tell me when it's too much," he reminded him. Sam nodded and Toby gently ran two fingers around his entrance, spreading the lotion. Slowly he pushed one finger against the tightness, pausing as Sam gasped. When Sam nodded for him to continue, he pushed his finger all the way in. Carefully he began a pumping motion, watching Sam's face for any sign of pain.
"God, Toby, more," Sam moaned, thrusting against his finger, impaling himself further. "Please, more."
With a grin Toby carefully inserted a second finger, maintaining his motion, getting Sam ready for the third finger that would prelude the main event. "You feeling okay there, Sam?" he asked
when all three fingers were worked inside.
"Yessssss," was Sam's drawn out reply and Toby shook his head. The boy was too far gone.
Quickly he coated himself with lotion, reapplying some to Sam before he pressed his cock head against the entrance, biting his lip as it passed the opening. A strong grip on his forearms halted him before Sam squeezed again, letting him know he was all right. Gently he pushed forward until he was buried all the way inside. Sam was moaning, lolling his head from side to side in pure pleasure, clutching his arms tightly.
Letting out a shaky breath Toby drew back, his hands gripping Sam's hips, before thrusting back inside. He repeated the motion twice more slowly, allowing Sam to get used to the new sensation before he sped up, making his thrusts deeper and harder.
"Oh Toby, more! I want you, I need you!" Sam was mumbling, thrusting his own hips back at him. They worked out a good motion as they both sped up, riding the waves of sensation that swamped their minds.
Toby groaned as his thrusting became a pounding, his cock hitting Sam's prostrate on every thrust. "God, Sam, oh God…" he panted.
With a sudden jerk, Sam came, arching his body up against Toby as his head dug back into the pillow. He grabbed Toby and pulled him roughly to him, his muscles clenching tightly around him. The older man cried out and came, throwing his head back in the air, his neck straining as wave after wave of intense pleasure crashed over him.
Toby collapsed on top of Sam, burying his face in his lover's neck, gasping to regain his breath.
"Oh Sam," he mumbled into the skin under his lips. He wrapped his arms around the young man, pulling him tight against him as he felt Sam return the embrace weakly. With a groan he rolled over, taking Sam with him so the trembling man lay on top, looking down at him.
"That was… that was amazing, Toby," Sam whispered unsteadily, his eyes soft and glowing, his smile a bit shaky but nonetheless loving.
Running one hand over Sam's damp hair, brushing a few locks away from his sweaty brow, Toby leaned up and brushed his lips against Sam's. "Yeah," he murmured back, smiling faintly. "Yeah it was." Tenderly he drew Sam's head down so it rested on his shoulder and he tightened his hold on the other man. Words escaped him to properly describe what he was feeling, so he remained silent until he felt Sam's breathing even out into sleep. Smiling, he drifted off himself minutes after.
As consciousness slowly returned to him, pulling him from sweet dreams of blue eyes and golden skin, Toby groaned, flinging his unrestrained arm over his eyes against the light filtering in through the window. Startled, his eyes popped open under his arm. His other arm was weighted down?
Slowly Toby eased his forearm away from his face and glanced down to find a dark mane of hair hiding the face that nuzzled against his chest. Blinking, he swallowed hard, wracking his brain for an explanation. Images of tangled limbs, sweat-soaked skin and flushed features bombarded him and his body grew rigid as he recalled with vivid detail his actions.
A movement at his side brought his wide-eyed gaze to the warm body snuggled against him.
Sam was shifting, pressing closer, his arms tightening around Toby's waist. He mumbled something incoherent against Toby's skin before jerking a little as he woke suddenly. Toby bit his lip nervously as Sam raised his gaze to meet Toby's, a smile lighting his face.
"Morning, Toby," Sam whispered, eyes sleepy and gentle, his hair mussed endearingly.
Toby remained silent, his breathing becoming shallow. What had he done? What had he let himself do? He shook his head absently, closing his eyes against the other man's welcoming openness.
"No, it's not a good morning?" Sam chuckled, confused at Toby's behavior. He pulled away a little, propping himself up with one elbow, gazing down at his lover's closed-off features. "Toby?
Is something wrong?" he asked quietly, beginning to feel wary. The older man had been so passionate last night, so open with him.
His eyes snapping open, Toby regarded Sam stonily, all his walls back in place. "Sam…" he began slowly, his voice devoid of emotion.
Sam stiffened, his eyes widening as he read in Toby's gaze what he was thinking. Toby was regretting what they'd done. He didn't want him. It had been just something to take his mind off his troubles temporarily. Swallowing hard, Sam let go of the other man, slipping out of the bed.
"Don't Toby," he whispered raggedly, dipping to gather his scattered clothing. "Please don't," he begged. He couldn't listen to it. He couldn't bear to hear those harsh words of regret, not after how vulnerable he'd made himself to his boss.
Toby sighed and watched as Sam yanked on his clothing roughly refusing to meet his eyes. He didn't want to hurt Sam. That was the last thing he wanted. He shook his head sadly as the younger man straightened, his shirt clutched in his white-knuckled grip, his jeans still undone.
"I hope you got what you wanted," Sam choked out, striding rigidly from the room to the open adjoining door. As he entered his own room, he halted jerkily and looked back. Toby sucked in a rough breath as the pain in the blue eyes struck him from across the room. "It was more than just a fuck for me, Toby," Sam murmured. "I thought it was for you too." Then he was gone, the door shutting with a soft click behind him.
Toby flopped back on his pillows with a heavy sigh, staring up at the ceiling. His life just kept getting worse.
Work had never been as hard for Toby as it was that day. It seemed like the general atmosphere was darker, more tense than usual. He could have sworn the volunteers and aides gave him sharp, dirty looks whenever he passed by, though he knew it was ridiculous. None of them could know what had happened the night before. Perhaps it was his guilt playing games with his mind.
Sitting at his desk he struggled to type anything that was remotely close to satisfactory. His mind was elsewhere, horribly distracted as his night of passion played out again and again in his mind's eye, torturing him. What had it meant to him, he asked himself? Had it been just something to get his mind off his troubles, as he had suggested to Sam? It hadn't felt like it at the time. All he had known was how much he wanted Sam.
With a sigh he pushed his chair back from his desk, leaning back tiredly. Glancing outside of his office, he caught sight of the object of his thoughts discussing something quietly with his assistant Cathy. He seemed less animated than usual, his bearing drooping and Toby felt his stomach twist. He had done that to him.
He dropped his head onto the desktop. Why did he always do this to himself? Watching Sam… he knew that it had been more. And he had pushed Sam away. He didn't want to push Sam away. He wanted Sam back in his arms, and now he had to figure out a way to go about getting that.
Never one for lengthy plans or schemes, Toby decided to take the direct approach. Drawing in a deep breath, he raised his hand to knock on the connecting door. He paused a moment, hesitating, wondering if he really had it in him to go after what he wanted. Toby swallowed; he wasn't all that sure he wouldn't spook away again like he had that morning.
Giving himself a shake, ridding his doubts from his mind, Toby gave the door a round of sharp knocks, drawing himself up to his full height. After a lengthy pause he heard the door unlock. A wary-looking Sam peered out at him as the door slowly swung open.
"Get lonely again, Toby?" Sam asked. The words hurt, but there was no venom in his voice, only resigned sadness. His eyes looked darker than usual and Toby winced. He began to wonder if what he had done was irreparable.
Toby sighed. "Yes," he answered simply, honestly. "I got lonely for you." He stepped forward and reached out a hand towards Sam's face, his heart sinking as Sam flinched away. "Sam… I was shocked this morning, by what happened last night. I… was… scared and pushed you away."
Sam watched him closely for a minute before stepping out of the doorframe and retreating into his dark room, leaving the door open behind him. Toby took his cue and followed him inside. When the younger man stopped in front of his window, gazing out much the same way as he had the night before, Toby came up behind him. He lay his hands lightly on Sam's shoulders, watching as they trembled and relaxed a little as Sam didn't pull away.
"Something happened between you and me last night… something I've never felt before with anyone. I don't want to lose that Sam. Don't let me make us lose it."
Sam turned, his eyes longing and his expression frightened. "You abandoned me Toby," he croaked. "Will you do it again in the morning?"
Shaking his head, Toby leaned forward and pressed their lips together, sighing as the familiar spark shot through him. He ended the kiss. "Tell me you didn't feel that. How could I really leave that?" he asked, stroking Sam's hair.
With an uncharacteristic growl, Sam grabbed Toby's tie and pulled him forward, crushing their lips together passionately, leaving Toby dazed. "You'd better not ever leave me again like that."
Winding his arms around Sam, drawing back to trail kisses up his neck, Toby sighed contentedly. "Never."
"Where do we go from here?" Sam asked hesitantly, his eyes closing in pleasure as Toby kissed his earlobe.
Smiling against Sam's skin, Toby steered them over to the bed. "We have two options," he whispered, sitting down on the bed's edge and pulling Sam down to straddle his lap. "We can get up in the morning and forget this happened, or we could leave that door open from now on."
Winding his arms around Toby's neck, Sam pressed close. "Leave it open," he mumbled as his mouth descended.
Back to the Big Block of Cheese Main Page